


Not Enough For Me? You Are...Everything

by caitlinrose923



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2018-12-16 09:00:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11825406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caitlinrose923/pseuds/caitlinrose923
Summary: A look inside Jim Halpert's mind as he pines over, misses, dates, and eventually marries Pam Beesly. A mostly canon re-telling of the full series through Jim's eyes (with certain snippets through Pam's eyes as well)





	1. Season One

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own any of the characters depicted within this story.
> 
> So much angst for season one Jim!

Jim had never intended to fall in love with the girl who sat across from him every day. He had never intended to date anyone from work, so when he found himself with a crush on a girl he had no choice but to stare at for a good portion of the day, he was almost grateful she was engaged.

Almost.

"So, are you going to Angela's cat party?" she's asking him, and he laughs because the idea of a cat party is absurd, but also because he always laughs when he talks to her. Everything seems funny when she says it, and he's fairly certain he's never laughed so much in his life as he does from that spot at reception, with his hands hanging over the desk, almost touching hers.

And when Dwight pulls out the Jell-O encased stapler and she laughs like that, it's almost more than his heart can take. If she didn't laugh like that - a hiccup-y laugh that means he knows he's caught her off guard, done something extraordinary - he might have stopped pranking Dwight ages ago. But if it makes her laugh, he'll keep doing it forever. He loves her laugh.

Shit. Jim is in trouble, because he is in deep. And he is in deep over a committed woman. And God, he'd never want her heart broken the way it would be if Roy left her, but he also knows that a jerk like Roy definitely doesn't deserve a girl like Pam. He knows it's dangerous to put a woman on a pedestal like that, but he also knows that Roy is literally The Worst ™ .

Well, except for maybe Dwight. But that's a whole different story.

But really, he knows Roy keeps her from socializing with her co-workers - and yeah, okay, maybe he's being a little selfish and obvious there, wanting her to go out for drinks and then bailing when Roy says she can't go, but he DOES like spending time with...some of the people from the office. He knows Roy doesn't appreciate her art - which is REALLY good, by the way. And if he doesn't appreciate her art, does he really appreciate her?

Okay, that's a stretch and he knows it. But he still wonders.

He tries to make conversation with Roy, tries to see what she sees in him. Maybe if he could make himself like Roy, he could make himself stop loving her. But Roy is not as chatty, not as bright and bubbly and friendly as Pam. And Roy does not want to talk to Jim. Ever.

And when Jim sees Pam leave the bathroom, clearly trying to hide the fact that she's been crying, he immediately wants to comfort her. He wants to go to her, hug her, tell her whatever happened, it's going to be okay. A tiny part of him hopes that it's about Roy, but that's stupid because he knows Roy is waiting for her outside in that dumpy old truck, that nothing between them could have possibly transpired in the last 10 minutes or so. Right?

But either way, the urge to comfort her is so strong, but he knows that's inappropriate. So instead he just casually asks her about her headache, and she awkwardly asks if he wants to walk out with her, and he's about to grab his coat and really try to savor these few moments completely alone with her…when a truck honks and suddenly she's back to reality, back to her fiance. And Jim is back to being alone, watching the girl he's in love with leave to go home with the man she's in love with - the one who isn't him.

He has learned, over time, to cherish the small moments. The moments when the office is bustling and he and Pam both have nothing to do but observe the madness. The times when he can stand at reception and laugh at Dwight's antics or Stanley's unforgiving attitude. He dangles his hands over the desk, inches away from her fingers, daring himself to grab her hand with his own. He never does, but God does he want to.

It's strange to see another face at the desk when Ryan takes over reception during the horrible, awkward Diversity Day antics. Jim walks over out of habit, feeling awkward once he arrives. He makes conversation with Ryan to ease the strange tension he's feeling. He's barely listening to what Ryan is saying, but then something grabs his attention.

"She's cute, right?"

Cute? Cute doesn't begin to cover Pam Beesly. Pam is wonderful and smart, kind, open, and friendly. Pam is talented and-

"Yeah, but, y'know, she's engaged."

He tries to play it cool, but inside he is screaming. Now the temp is interested in her, too? He knows she'd never go for Ryan, but then again, he certainly didn't see her with a guy like Roy when he found out she was-

"Oh I meant the...the girl in the sketch."

….oh. And Jim can breathe again. He mumbles something about her being hot and pretends to watch whatever Ryan has on the screen. He's already forgotten, more focused on the fact that he needs to stop being jealous over a girl that isn't even his.

Later, he sneaks back into the conference room, feeling defeated over the loss of his biggest client - to Dwight of all people - and breathes a small sigh of relief that the seat next to Pam is still open. It's a small thing, being able to sit next to her. But in another life, she'd comfort him after his rough day, tell him he could go out and get an even bigger client tomorrow. He's imagining this, not listening to a word Michael is saying, when he feels a soft pressure on his shoulder. He turns, and sees her curls very close to his face. He can smell her shampoo. She's leaning on him. She's fallen asleep on his shoulder.

And now he's seeing them curled up on the couch, watching a movie. Seeing a life where Pam falls asleep on his shoulder all the time - she seems the type to fall asleep and then wake up and ask when they're going to bed. And he's hearing her voice, sleepy and wistful, and he's carrying her upstairs-

And suddenly everyone is leaving the conference room. And he waits, cherishing this moment, trying to get back to his imagined reality before the real world comes crashing down around him. He smiles as he wakes her. He whispers softly to her, the same way he imagines he'd wake her up if she had fallen asleep on the couch. She wakes up and walks out of the room with barely a word.

It's the first time he's ever sad to see the end of a Michael Meeting.

"Uhhhhh, not a bad day," he tells the crew. The champagne celebration long forgotten, he knows he's going to remember this day for a long time.

It actually kind of amazes Jim sometimes that no one has called him out for his time at reception. He tries to do it subtly, casually, when no one is really looking that way, but then someone interrupts them and he feels caught, cornered. Even if the conversation is innocent and casual, he feels like he should be in trouble for being at reception, talking to Pam.

He also finds it hard to hide his annoyance at the constant interruptions. He knows it's wrong to be annoyed, because really, he's not supposed to be there anyway - for a multitude of reasons - but he can't help but roll his eyes when Michael interrupts a sentence with some offensive impression or random question for Pam.

But when Michael interrupts one of his favorite moments of the day to ask him to do some menial task, Jim can't help but roll his eyes. He barely listens to whatever it is Michael wants him to do and instead offers an immediate escape route for himself: "Dwight."

He does not, however, anticipate the consequences of his actions. The power that goes to Dwight's head over the smallest task is amazing. He and Pam decide to confront the beast together. They enter his lair - his workspace, if you will - and face him side-by-side. It does not go well.

The good news is that now he has another excuse to talk to Pam as they make up - er, properly notate… - diseases together.

"Don't write Ebola or Mad Cow Disease," he warns her, and he laughs at her surprised face. She thinks he doesn't want her writing anything false, making a joke out of this nonsense Dwight has presented them with? Pshaw, she should know him better. "Because I'm suffering from both," he adds, and she finally laughs, relief evident in her smile. They spend a good chunk of the day - time he should be spending making sales calls - creating fake names.

"Spontaneous Dento-Hydroplosion," he suggests, with a look of confidence. He relishes in the look she gives him in return, clearly impressed with his idea. He sticks that look into the compartment in his brain of Things He Loves About Pam.

Later, another interruption when he is just trying to spend some time with his girl- erm, best friend. This time, from Dwight. He barely listens, but one thing sticks out in the list of false diseases Dwight is reading:

"Killer nano robots?"

"It's an epidemic," Pam responds. And it's his turn to be impressed.

As payback for this interruption - and, of course, for just generally being a jerk to the whole office - he locks Dwight in his workspace. Dwight calls from inside the room and Jim is humoring him until, oh thank God, there she is. The extension number for the reception desk pops up on his phone. And with Dwight yelling in the background, they have a meaningless conversation, where he can picture her face while not even looking at her. And he know it was just a prank on Dwight, that she's just being silly, but he'll always take any excuse to talk to her that he can get his hands on.

Of course, Dwight hands him another "talk to Pam ALL DAY" gift the day he asks for an alliance. The downsizing rumors haven't really bothered Jim all this time. He does his job. He arrives on time, never leaves early. He hardly ever calls off. He tries his best to stay under the radar, not doing so well as to be named Salesman of the Month, ahem, but doing well enough to get by. And he's competent enough that Michael seems to always want to give him all of these tasks, despite the fact that he never wants to take them on.

And maybe, on the off-chance that he did get let go, he could actually move on with his life and stop thinking about the girl at reception that he had to see day in and day out for all these years.

And yet, he spends his time in this alliance with Dwight, talking with that very girl. He has an excuse, as far as Dwight is concerned anyway.

"There may be chatting and giggling and you just gotta pretend to ignore it, wipe it away," he's telling Dwight. And he buys it. So now he can just sit at reception and talk to Pam about absolutely nothing, and someone will back him up if he's ever asked why.

When Jim pranks Dwight alone, it's pretty good. He's come up with some insanely creative ideas, some more subtle than others. But when Jim and Pam combine forces and prank Dwight together, they're unstoppable. By midday, they've got Dwight in a box in the warehouse, listening to pretend phone calls that Pam is making about the downsizing.

They work so well together, and he can't help but love her even more whenever they do stuff like this together.

"She's...so...great," he hears himself tell the crew during an interview session. At this point, they've all gotta know how he's feeling. Of everyone in this office, that crew has to know. Michael is oblivious to everything, and everyone else there is so absorbed in their own stuff, there's no way they've noticed. They're also nosy - unapologetically so - so if they'd noticed his constant visits to reception, one of them would have questioned him about it ages ago.

But the camera crew, they know. They see the look on his face when she walks in, see the tension whenever Roy comes upstairs. They see everything; it's their job. And maybe it should occur to him that someday, this will all be aired for the entire world to see, but at that point, he'll hopefully be long gone, the girl at reception long forgotten.

His real fantasy, of course, isn't that she's long forgotten, but that they're together. In this imagined future, she leaves Roy, comes to her senses, and he can finally tell her how he feels. He really, truly thinks there are times when she feels something, too. He also knows that she'd never give into any of those feelings while engaged to Roy. She's definitely not that type. And her feelings for Roy are real, he knows that, too. But the feelings she would have for him, he strongly suspects, would be much stronger. He tells himself on a daily basis that it will never happen, but he still holds out just a small shred of hope. Hope that, one day, when the camera crew finishes filming, however far into the future that may be, he'll be watching the final product with Pam by his side, and maybe their kids. Maybe a dog, too.

So he doesn't care when he slips up and says things that expose how he really feels about Pam. Not really.

The excitement of the final nail in the coffin on Dwight's alliance is killed immediately when Roy comes rushing in. Jim really is innocent, just playing a prank on an annoying workmate; he just got overly excited and affectionate with Pam. He'd been grabbing her hand to tell her how excited he was when suddenly the door slammed open and Roy was asking him if he was trying to cop a feel.

He's embarrassed, caught off guard. He's never had such a close call before, in all the times he's stood at that desk, so obviously flirting with her. He tries to explain, but of course Dwight is no help. Roy seems to back off once Pam explains that it's just office pranks.

He really should have been ready for that to happen eventually. But he usually stands on the opposite side of the desk. He's never had anything to worry about before.

But when he thinks of how her shampoo smells, how soft her hands are, he doesn't regret being that close to her. He doesn't, for one moment, wish he'd said his piece from the other side of that desk. Even if she hadn't stopped Roy and he'd come right across that desk and decked him square in the face, he doesn't think he would regret it.

The only reason he thinks twice about it is because Roy practically shoves Pam out the door. He knows Roy doesn't hit her; he knows Pam well enough that he'd be able to tell if something like that was going on, or at least he hopes so. But he does get rough, and Jim doesn't like that.

But, as always, there's nothing Jim can do. He's not her protector. He's just some guy, sitting at a desk, in love with the girl who sits across from him.

The day Michael makes them all bring gym clothes to change into just might be one of the most bizarre since he's started working at Dunder Mifflin. It starts off with Pam making a phone call about a toaster she'd received at her engagement party. Three years ago.

He's not happy that she's upset. He hates that she's upset about anything at all, ever. But he's a little happy that they still haven't set a date. How committed can Roy really be if he doesn't even want to set a date? He doubts Roy will do anything else when it comes to planning, so how hard is it for him to just pick a damn day? But again, Jim is a little happy that Roy is such a flake, just this once. It's bad enough pining after a girl with an engagement ring on her finger, reflecting in the bright fluorescent lights every day, reminding him that she's taken. But adding a wedding ring to that, making her Mrs. Pamela Anderson...well, that would be too much. All jokes about the name aside, it would be too much.

If they ever do set a date, he really might lose his mind, as if he hasn't already.

So, maybe he sounds a little smug when he talks about Pam needing to return something that was an engagement gift. But that's only because he really believes they'll never get married. She'll come to her senses. Even if she doesn't end up with him, she can't end up with a guy like Roy.

She just can't.

He knows it's dumb to be so competitive against Roy in this dumb game of basketball. At least he has the excuse of not wanting to work on Saturday. And honestly, if Roy and Pam hadn't started making out right next to him, maybe he wouldn't have gotten quite so competitive on the court. He tries to get Michael to let him guard Roy, but Michael is being Michael and won't hear it. Which is a shame because he has some choice words ringing in his ears that he'd love to get back at Roy for, suddenly:

"Tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car."

Still, Jim hears Pam's tiny little "Woop!" when he scores. And he loves that she's cheering for him. He loves it more because they both know she shouldn't be. After the close call at the desk, especially. But she cheers him on anyway, and he plays all the better for it. And when Michael finally gives in, lets him guard Roy, he plays better than he has since high school. He's blocking, stealing, shooting, scoring. He knows basketball isn't the way to Pam's heart, but it sure can't hurt to show her that he's better than Roy at something.

When Roy elbows him in the face, he feels like maybe it's karma. Like he deserves it for loving Roy's fiance, for trying to impress her. He keeps playing, but it's with a little less drama, a little less flair. A little less trying to impress Pam.

And he's excited his team wins, disappointed that Michael ruins it by being his usual self and now he'll have to come in on Saturday. But he's mostly excited that he actually is better than Roy at something. He's excited that Pam cheered for him. That she was impressed with more than just his pranks on Dwight. That she smiled at him while he played.

And now he's seeing her at one of his pickup games with his buddies. There's a hoop down the street and sometimes they'll play on an odd weekday holiday when they're all off with no plans. And he's imagining Pam sitting with all of the other wives and girlfriends, rolling their eyes at this group of grown men, playing basketball on their day off. And she's smiling at him in the same way, and they're remembering this moment right now, when he's just wiped the floor with the guy she was supposed to marry. And it's like this little inside joke-

But it's not real. She's really engaged to Roy and she's really leaving with him, talking about getting him into a tub. And Jim is really, really disappointed in that reality.

When a cute girl enters the office a few days later, he shouldn't be at all surprised by the ruckus it causes. He should know by now that anything with a slim figure and nice eyes will get Michael Scott's weirdest side to come out.

Still, he doesn't really see the big deal. She's just a girl. (Of course, he guesses, to some people, Pam is probably just a girl, too).

He wonders if the irony of Roy asking him what his type is will ever be humorous. He wonders if it's a moment he'll look back on and say, "See Pam? See the way I looked at your before I answered? And you didn't even notice!" or if he'll watch that moment alone, or with some other girl, and think about how weird it was for the fiance of the girl he was in love with to ask him what kind of girls he was interested in.

He wonders if he'll ever stop feeling weird about his awkward answer: "Moms."

He doesn't have to wonder if he'll ever stop hating Roy, though. That's a definite yes. Everytime Roy opens his mouth, Jim hates him more and more.

"We're not dating, we're engaged," and she's gone. He feels awful for Pam, truly. He feels awful that she's been with this guy for so long - high school sweethearts? He feels like maybe, just maybe, if she went on just one other date with one other guy, maybe she would realize that Roy isn't normal. Roy isn't the standard for dating. Normal guys, guys who care about the women they're with, don't make comments about other girls in front of them. They set wedding dates soon after proposing and then they stick with those dates. Normal guys, guys who are really in love with the person they're with, want to get married as soon as possible so that the rest of their lives can begin.

Right?

Still, after a day of antics, a day of awkwardness, a day which included Pam being tickled by Roy on Jim's own desk, Jim is pretty frustrated. So he asks Katie out. Not because he thinks she'll be the solution to his problems. But because she is pretty, and she's nice, and she took a chance coming into this office. And she put up with a lot of crap from Jim's weird co-workers, so he's gotta give her that; she's tough.

And maybe it's wrong for him to ask someone out to distract himself from his real life, but he can't help it. And maybe he's hoping that Katie will be The One. That she'll finally get his mind off of the engaged girl at reception.

But when he sees that tiny twinge of jealousy in Pam's eyes when he tells her he's going out with Katie this weekend, he knows that will never be the case. He still hopes he'll end up wrong, but he knows that little bit of jealousy has just reignited every feeling he's ever had for Pam. That bit of jealousy has kickstarted his hope that maybe, just maybe, he's got a chance.


	2. Season Two - Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Season Two will be split into two parts, as well about half the seasons.  
> Lots more angst in this chapter, but the beginning is pretty cute ;)

The Dundies are, without a doubt, the weirdest part about working at Dunder Mifflin. Jim finds it incredibly weird that Michael would name the awards after the company, since they're not company-wide (that's a scary thought). He knows that Michael loves Dunder Miffilin - probably more than Dunder and Mifflin themselves - but it's still a bit much.

He likes the Dundies a bit, though he'd never say it out loud, because he kind of likes his co-workers. Not all of them, obviously, but enough of them that a night out at a cheesy restaurant isn't so bad, even with Michael making up songs about everyone and giving slightly offensive trophies away.

He doesn't like the Dundies so much because Roy always comes. Roy works in the warehouse, so Roy is technically Dunder Mifflin, but Jim has always felt like the guys in the warehouse aren't his co-workers. Not even just Roy, but the whole lot of them. He knows they feel the same - their work is entirely different, they rarely mingle. So seeing them at an event like the Dundies is a bit off-putting, and the fact that Pam and Roy sometimes get all snuggly in a corner booth certainly doesn't help.

So when Roy leaves the Dundies and Pam stays, Jim is...thrown off guard, to say the least. He knows, from watching poor Pam watch all of the footage from previous years earlier, that this isn't an evening Pam has been looking forward to. And yet, she stayed. Ryan had just gotten up to use the restroom and suddenly Pam was in his seat. Jim likes Ryan just fine, but he obviously prefers Pam in the seat across from him.

When Pam starts slinging back drinks like they're water and she's on her third day in the desert, however, Jim starts to get a little worried. She seems to be holding up just fine, if a little giggly, and he knows she's not driving home, so he tries to relax.

"And I feel God in this Chili's tonight," she's saying into the microphone. And then she's running back to him, hugging him-

And then she's kissing him.

It's quick, it's over almost as soon as it starts. No one else seems to even have noticed. Maybe because Jim is so tall, he's blocked their view. Maybe they think she kissed him on the cheek.

But she didn't.

And suddenly Jim is stuck thinking about her soft lips kissing his, the smallest amount of pressure. He's thinking about how casual and easy it was for her to do that. He's thinking about how that could so easily be real, and normal. And now he's imagining that other life, the one he thinks of often, where Pam casually kisses him all the time. Where he gets kisses from Pam at breakfast, while she makes the eggs and he cooks the bacon. Where she kisses him for luck before he leaves for a sales call. Where she kisses him all the time because she's his and he's hers and-

And then he's back at the Dundies, with a drunk Pam who won't even remember in the morning that she's kissed him.

"A great year for the Dundies," he's telling the crew. He mentions Michael's antics, but really he's thinking about that kiss. He knows the crew caught it. He can see the way they're all looking at him. Some of them are angry, the ones who like Roy, the ones who don't like Jim for some reason or another. Some of them look...nervous? Like they're going to get in trouble for seeing something they shouldn't have. Most of them, though, look happy for him. They're looking at him as if to say, "Good job, kid, you did it!"

But he hasn't done anything. Pam is drunk and it was nothing, and he has to keep reminding himself of that.

And then Pam is on the floor and Dwight is trying to take his shirt off, and suddenly this great night is tainted with...weird pictures in his head.

But the kiss is still at the forefront of his mind. And he knows it will be for a long time.

"Can I ask you a question?" she says before she gets into Angela's car.

Do you like me? Do you love me? If I broke up with Roy, would you be with me? Will you remind me in the morning that I kissed you, and tell me how you felt about it? What happened with Katie? You never mentioned her again and I'm curious and jealous.

He's wracking his brain, trying to think of all of the things that Drunk Pam Who Kissed Him could want to ask him right now, and there are millions of possibilities.

"I just wanted to say thanks," she's mumbling out, while he's still thinking.

"That's...not really a question," he laughs it off, gets her safely into Angela's car.

He knows she won't remember that kiss, but he also knows it's all he's going to think about for a long time.

He's still thinking about it when she tells him that her mom is coming to visit. He is stuck somewhere between fantasy and reality - he wants her to introduce him to her mother, but he wishes it were under different circumstances. He keeps imagining a world where Pam has already told her mom so much about him. And not in the same way he knows she's told her mom about her co-workers. Pam is close with her mom, so Jim is sure she's heard all about Dwight's mustard colored shirts and Angela's uptight attitude. But he wants to know that Pam has told her mom all about Jim's smile, about how kind he is, how respectful.

But he knows he's probably just another co-worker to Pam's mom.

He's about to introduce himself to her when Roy walks in. And, as always, Jim hates him just a little bit more every time he sees his dumb face.

Roy is clean-shaven, with product in his hair. He's wearing a sweater. This guy has been dating Pam for half their lives, and he still needs to suck up to her mom.

He's just used the word 'tunes,' and now Jim thinks he might be sick.

"So, which one is Jim?" he hears Pam's mom whisper.

Oh. So maybe she has talked about him. He listens to see if she'll ask who anyone else is, but Pam just makes an embarrassed mumble and shrugs her mom off. And now Jim is smiling because even though Pam's mom has clearly fallen for whatever fake nonsense Roy puts on whenever she's around, Pam has still talked to her about Jim enough to to make her ask who he is.

He wants to know what Pam has said. He's suspected before that his feelings weren't entirely unreciprocated. But now...well do women go around talking to their moms about "just friends" from work?

Jim is in a rut. He isn't feeling motivated, he's bored. And then the Office Olympics idea comes to him, and it checks off all of his important qualities in a time-wasting task:

-Involves avoiding work at all costs

-He could probably - definitely - get in trouble for it

-He can work on it with Pam

-Pam likes the idea

Okay that's pretty much everything.

Michael and Dwight are out for the day, so it's the perfect chance to distract the entire office at once. Angela declines, unsurprisingly. But Pam makes these cheesy medals out of her Mixed Berry yogurt lids and paper clips and she's so excited about it and that makes Jim even more excited than he already is.

He makes a cheesy opening ceremonies speech and he tries his hardest not to look directly at Pam the whole time. But she's beaming at him and he loves her smile and-

And he flounders and stumbles over the end of his speech, but she's still smiling and he's still excited and the events can begin.

It's a shame that Michael and Dwight come back early, that everyone immediately gets back to work. It's a bigger shame that he's so good at his job that he cranks out the bare minimum for a good day at work in the matter of an hour or so. If he really tried, he can't imagine how well he would do here. But...he also doesn't want to imagine that. Yikes.

Everyone is back to work like the fun of the morning never happened. He was so invested in this - and he's not sure why - but the disappointment of everyone acting like it didn't happen is really crushing. Maybe it's because it's the first time he's worked on something with Pam in a long time. He's been seeing Katie, trying to back off of Pam, but it's not working as well as he was hoping it would.

So he asks her to continue ignoring her work, is far from surprised when she readily agrees. He decides to do something nice for Michael and, he guesses, Dwight. Not because Michael and Dwight are his favorite people, but because Michael seems really down. And because if he does something nice for Dwight, maybe Dwight will back off of him for once. Not likely, but possibly. And because he had a lot of fun that morning, dammit, and he doesn't want it to end on such a sudden, sour note.

So Pam makes some more medals, and folds up some doves. God, she's such a genius, she even rigs up a way to make it look like they're flying behind Michael's head. And it's such a small, dumb thing, but Michael looks so happy, and Jim feels better about the day because of it.

Maybe he should start doing nice things for people besides Pam. Maybe it always feels this good.

Maybe.

A week later, Jim is reminded of that twinge of jealousy from when he first told Pam he was taking Katie out. He sees it in her eye when she transfers Katie's call to him from reception. He hears that same jealousy in her voice when she tells him,

"You can just give her your extension."

He knows she's trying to sound nice, trying to sound like it would be easier for everyone involved. But he also knows she is just a tiny bit jealous, even if she won't admit it to herself just yet.

And you know, in a way, Jim finds it unfair that she's jealous of Katie. Jim has had to watch Pam flaunt her relationship with Roy for months, for years. He's had to sit there and watch him kiss her, tickle her, touch her, while Jim is stuck at his desk, forever on the sidelines. So, let her be jealous. She still has Roy. Jim still has an empty feeling in his heart when he sees them together.

But he dates Katie anyway. Katie is nice, and so cute, and funny, and smart. They have fun together, and Katie clearly has feelings for Jim. Jim isn't sure if he has feelings for her yet. But, that's normal. It's only been about six months.

Normal.

When the guys at work say they would "do" Pam, Jim is immediately uncomfortable. When they press him for his answer, his heart starts racing.

Pam. But he wouldn't just "do" Pam. He would love her, he would make love to her, he would make sure she-

"Kevin," he's saying because he can't even joke about Pam, about any female in the office. Why did he pick this dumb game to begin with?

And then Roy joins them, and Jim is ready for his gross response. Ready for Pam to kiss him, as they stand right next to Jim, as always. Even with Roy around, Pam automatically stands next to Jim.

"My name is Angela," the petite accountant is saying.

And Jim really shouldn't be surprised. Why would Roy say something nice, like the fact that, given the choice, he would still sleep with his own, actual, real life fiance? No, Roy would have to pick someone else, have to say something that would make Pam uncomfortable. That's just...who Roy is.

Katie pulls up a little while later and Jim is so thankful because he can finally leave this awkward get-together, which he started, really, with these games. But he wants to leave so badly now that Roy is here and Jim hates Roy so damn badly.

But then Katie says that she's come up with her answers and Jim has another idea - instead of leaving, he can play Pam at her own game.

"Legally Blonde," Katie is saying and Jim wants to smack himself in the face. Pam laughs and Jim knows they have to leave. His plan has backfired, and Pam is now sitting smugly in her throne, as the queen of the game of Making the Other One Jealous. And she grabs Roy's face and kisses him as they leave, assuring Jim of a few things:

-She is definitely jealous of Katie.

-She definitely has feelings for Jim.

-She will definitely never give into those feelings for Jim as long as Roy is around.

So Jim takes Katie out to dinner and tries to forget about Pam's hiccup-y laugh and her beaming smile and her face pressed up against Roy's in the same way she had it pressed up against his just a few short weeks ago.

He's thrown for a loop, to say the least, when Pam suggests that he take the job in Maryland. They'd been doing this, sending out Dwight's resume, to get rid of Dwight. Did she want to get rid of him?

He knows it's foolish to be this upset over it. But he gets so frustrated with her sometimes. He knows she has feelings for him. And he knows that's why she wants him to leave. It certainly would make things easier on the both of them. He'd surely get over her much quicker if he didn't have to see her everyday. And if she didn't have to face him, she could keep pretending that her relationship with Roy was normal, healthy even. But it's not, and he knows she knows it, somewhere deep inside. And the only thing keeping her sane is Jim, and they both know it. But Jim and Pam are only a fantasy for each other, they'll never be a reality. Because Pam needs to play it safe with Roy - her high school sweetheart, who's never done her wrong. The man who would defend her, physically, by any means necessary.

Jim would be a risk, somehow, for Pam. Even though he knows it's the exact opposite. Jim would be the safest Pam could possibly get. He wouldn't beat anyone up for her - he's not the type - but he'd love her so damn much. He'd never make comments about Angela or Katie if he were with Pam. She would be the only girl he'd ever want to be with.

But she thinks he's a risk, and that Roy is safe, and so she stays with Roy.

Jim knows all this, but for her to say out loud that he should take a job hours away from his home...hours away from her. That changes things. He wants to not be hurt. But he is, deeply. And it isn't even about the romantic feelings he has for her, in the end. It's about their friendship. Because at the root of it all, they are friends. They come to each other with everything. And for her to put her own comfort - comfort in her relationship, without the looming threat of Jim to remind her that she's not as happy as she thinks she is - ahead of that friendship? That's really hurtful to Jim.

She tries to grab his hand, afraid he's been fired, but he shakes her off. He assures her that he wasn't fired, but that's all. He can't look at her right now. He still feels her soft hands on his, still feels the ghost of her fingernails dragging on his palm as he pulls away, but he can't look at her, can't talk to her.

"If you left, seriously, I would blow my brains out," she's telling him.

He's not over it, he's still hurt, but he feels better knowing that she wants him around, wants him to stay. And it's so dumb because, of course she wants him to stay. Of course she never wanted him to leave. Because he knows she has feelings for him and she just can't - won't - admit it.

If she left, he admits to the crew, he'd take that job in Maryland in a heartbeat. That's why he's so hurt she could even suggest that he leave: she's the only reason he'd stay.

Sometimes, he gets carried away. Like the time Roy caught him holding her hand, close up behind her at the desk, excitedly explaining the final plans for the alliance with Dwight. He just gets excited, lets the flirting get the best of him. And she lets him, because she likes him, too. But when they get caught, suddenly things change.

Which is why when he picks her up at the dojo, she suddenly stops laughing and acts as though he's offended her somehow. Meredith had to turn her big, dumb, nosy head around - okay, that's harsh. He likes Meredith. But couldn't she have minded her own business for once? And Pam goes from giggling, laughing, having a good time, to "Put me down. Now." And he's picturing her telling Roy about this later, Roy coming in on Monday and pummeling him without a second glance.

He feels awful. Not just about Roy possibly coming in and crushing his face in, but also because he's made Pam uncomfortable. He's sad that he made her feel anything negative, ever. He's her go-to, he's the one she comes to when other people make her angry or sad or uncomfortable. He's not the one causing those feelings. He's at a loss for words. He doesn't know how to apologize.

Sorry for picking you up like I would if you were my girlfriend. Sorry for flirting with you in front of people instead of in private, hushed conversations at reception. Sorry sorry sorry sorry.

So he buys her a bag of chips, knowing she'll be staying late that day as Michael procrastinates. He leaves it on her desk on his way out, and he hopes that things are back to normal when he comes into the office on Monday.

And they are, as they always are. No matter what Jim and Pam have gone through, they always end up right back to normal. They're indestructible, he's fairly certain. Any awkwardness, tension, and anger have always dissipated by the time they walk into the office the following day. As though nothing ever happened.

The worst first dates conversation is one of the more enlightening office conversations they've had. He's both shocked and not shocked that Roy once left Pam at a hockey game. The lack of respect that man has for Pam is astounding.

Jim is both sad and intrigued. Why does she stay with him?

He remembers meeting Pam, asking her to lunch. He remembers how much they bonded, how he thought he was so lucky to have found this great girl and she was so close and so cute and sweet and smart. He remembers how that first date wasn't a date at all. He remembers that he should have started moving on right then and there, but he just fell harder and harder as they grew closer.

He's not mad that Pam is with Roy - not mad at her - he's just confused. He knows he isn't perfect, he knows he's awkward, that he doesn't work as hard as he could, that he spends more time being mean to Dwight than making sales calls. And he knows Pam isn't perfect either, though he struggles to think of any real character flaws when he tries to. But Roy...Roy?!

He is really intrigued when she ditches Roy to read this dumb screenplay they've found. He's used to her bailing on them - on drink plans, on group dinners, on party invitations - for Roy. So when she sends Roy home just to sit next to him and read the writings of one Michael Gary Scott, he is intrigued. To say the very least.

When she chooses to stay so late that it gets dark outside, and she goes up to the roof with him, he's even more intrigued. He knows better than to get his hopes up, really he does, but he can't help but call it a date when he talks about it the next day. And yet, she can't even go with the joke, shakes it off like it's nothing.

And he's hurt again, because why can't she play along? Why can't she just admit that last night had romantic tones - dinner, a show - a bizarre one, at that - music. It had all the makings of a better first date even than the lunch he'd taken her to.

"I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner," she'd said. About something as simple as grilled cheese. Comments like that...he knows she's not happy with Roy. He knows it, but he can't bring himself to do anything about, and it makes him so angry that he finally says:

"At least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game."

As soon as he says it, he regrets it. He exploded and he didn't mean to and he sees the look on her face and he can't believe he's done something so stupid again. He can't stop putting his damn foot in his mouth. She's got him so twisted up and the longer it goes on, the more he falls for her, and the more he really thinks she feels something back. The more frustrated he gets because she just won't do something about it and he explodes and he wishes that he hadn't.

"It's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance."

Touche, he thinks. And he's brought back to that lunch date, where she didn't even bring Roy up until the last possible moment, because she must have been feeling whatever he was feeling too, and she had to bring up that wall, that protection. Roy is what's stopping her from being with him. And for some reason, she thinks Roy is good, is normal, and that she should be with him. But she's not happy and Jim just wishes she could see that for herself.

So it's another awkward departure, and another day of hoping things will be back to normal in the morning.


	3. Season Two - Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angst for poor Jim...but the end of season two brings a pretty special moment ;)

It's strange to Jim when office romances start coming up in conversation. The Jan/Michael situation is...gross, actually. But also awkward in that they have something he can't. Even if Jan is probably crazy for ever having been with Michael, at least they took that chance. And Jim...can't.

It's a weird day all around, with Dwight thinking that it's Friday and Jan coming and going amidst the rumors, and the performance reviews - or lack thereof.

"You don't, I don't think, you know, come all the way back. Especially working together," he's saying to Pam about office romances. She clarifies that he's talking about being with Michael, but he's still stuck on his original train of thought.

Have things been different since the Chili's kiss? Is that why he's messing up more, crossing the line more? Why they're hurting each other when they used to have such an easy flow at all times? Is he still stuck in that Chili's dining room, with Pam's arms wrapped around the back of his neck, a Dundie in her hand, margarita on her breath, her lips against his?

Maybe Jim's been trying too hard to come back, and he just can't. Because they work together.

When a second office romance comes to his attention, it's almost annoying. Dwight and Angela? Really? Pam must be crazy. She tells him she's going to investigate further, but he's laughing inside. What a weird couple that would be.

He thinks about inviting Katie to his party that night, but then Pam says Roy isn't coming, so he doesn't. And he thinks again about how he knows that's wrong. He knows he'll never have real feelings for Katie, but he keeps holding out hope that she'll do something, say something, that will make him fall in love with her.

But instead he's just still here, stuck, in love with Pam.

It's a little weird when the camera crew asks to come to his party, but he figures they're just trying to get a closer look at everyone's lives, so he lets them. At this point, it's an "everyone but Michael" party, so anything is game. He finds himself in his bedroom, alone with Pam, and he's simultaneously glad the crew is there and also angry that he let them come.

He's angry because in ten years, if he watches this documentary alone, he is going to be broken at this interaction.

He's happy because in ten years, if he watches this documentary with Pam, he's going to laugh, and hug her, and say, "Look at that look I'm giving you! And you didn't even notice!"

And she's sitting on his bed, looking through his embarrassing yearbook, and he's imagining that life. She's sitting on his bed because it's their bed and she's showing his dorky yearbook photo to their kids. And maybe their dog. And he's staring at her and thinking how lucky he is that she's his and he's hers, and they're so in love and-

And then he has to return to real life, to the engagement ring on Pam's finger, to the party he's having for his co-workers, and nothing more.

He asks her, later, about this Dwight-Angela romance theory, and she shuts him down pretty quickly.

"Grasping at straws," she calls it. And oh, can he relate to that. He's grasping at every straw he can when it comes to Pam. She seems a bit defensive over this, so he doesn't push it, doesn't ask her why she gave up. But it's just as well because the last thing this world needs is for Dwight and Angela to get together.

Christmas at Dunder Mifflin is always an adventure. But, for once, Jim is excited about Christmas, about the Christmas party, about Secret Santa. His gift for Pam tops, like, every other gift he's ever given anyone.

The teapot is cool, it's something useful that he knows she wants. But the gifts inside have been jumping around inside his brain for weeks.

The card, though, was the real problem. He wanted to express his feelings, but he didn't want to sound cheesy and over the top. He'd tried poetry - original and quoted - and lyrics. He'd actually attempted to write a song, but that did not go well. He'd written out all of the things he loved about her, but that would have filled three more Christmas cards, so he tossed that idea out.

In the end, he kept it simple. He got straight to the point, consequences be damned. He took a risk and he couldn't wait to see it pay off - or backfire.

The day of the party, Jim is putting the finishing touches on all of the bonus gifts he'd gathered. And then, of course, as always, Michael ruins it. Michael can't just take a damn gift and move on; he has to be the center of everything. And Jim suddenly wants to take back all of the nice things he's done for Michael - the fake closing ceremonies, rescuing him at karaoke, helping him talk through scenarios in his office - because Meredith has just snatched the teapot right out of Pam's tiny, perfect hands. It isn't even fully unwrapped yet, and it's already gone.

Jim knows Pam doesn't mean to hurt him when she keeps taking the iPod - and really, he can't blame her. It's a $400 gift when everything else on the table is twenty or less. He'd probably take the iPod, too.

But when she pulls the teapot out from behind her desk, he still knows the card is all wrong. He knows that this is not the day to tell her how he feels. And at this rate, it may never be. But a day when she only picked his gift - his measly, $20 gift - because she felt bad for him, is not the day to do it. So he snags it while she's distracted by the Boggle timer, and sticks it in his pocket. He'll hang onto it for now. Maybe another chance will come his way.

He feels bad inviting Katie on this dumb booze cruise after avoiding her for so long, but he knows Roy will be there with Pam, so he does it anyway. He knows - really he does - that it's wrong to keep stringing Katie along like this, but God, Pam's got him so twisted up, and it feels like it gets worse every single day that he has to look at her, at that damn engagement ring. So he invites Katie and tries to make the best of it.

But making the best of it is pretty hard when there's something obviously wrong with the couples at the table. While Roy and Katie make fun of Pam for her artsy side, and Katie does cheers right there in their seats, Jim and Pam make eye contact and they don't even have to say aloud what they're thinking.

And then they go outside, in the freezing cold, and this really feels like Jim's chance. He has the card in his pocket - he's been carrying it around since the party - and they're making eye contact. He grows serious, the angel and the devil on his shoulder both screaming at him.

Tell her. Don't tell her. Give her the card. Don't give it to her. Just kiss her. Don't touch her.

And he's not even sure which one is the angel and which one is the devil anymore because he is so damn twisted up and turned upside down over this girl. Pam, with her red nose and rosy cheeks, outside in the cold because she didn't want to be around her own fiance and his warehouse friends. Because she has nothing in common with him, besides a high school graduation class.

And Jim is thinking of a future where Pam is looking at him like this right before he gets down on one knee, and looking at him like this while they say their vows, and dammit he is so in love with her-

"I'm cold," and she's gone.

He breaks up with Katie after Roy yells out June 10th. He had been about to do it, about to give Pam the card and tell her how he feels and then Roy got on that microphone, almost as drunk as Pam had been when she kissed Jim all those months ago, and yelled out a date and suddenly Jim couldn't breathe.

Jim's biggest shred of hope is slashed to pieces when Pam and Roy set that date. That's always been his lifeline. Eventually, she'd get tired of waiting for Roy and she'd break up with him but now here she is kissing him, dancing with him, celebrating this date that's only five months away.

Five months.

He can't stay and watch her get married. He can't stay and watch her be with him anymore. He has to do something but he just isn't sure what.

Surprisingly, Michael has some wise words to share with him.

"Never ever ever give up," Michael tells him. "Engaged ain't married," he's saying.

And Michael's not wrong, but how long can Jim go on like this? How long can he go on feeling so in love with a girl with one ring on her finger, nevermind when it becomes two. How long can he watch his best friend be with a guy she doesn't even understand, a guy who doesn't understand her? How long can he sit at his desk and watch them together?

Things start getting weird after the cruise.

First Dwight takes up Jim's usual spot at reception. It's extra weird because of the Dwight/Angela theory from a few weeks prior, but once they learn Dwight has a concussion, it all makes sense. Dwight and Pam would never be friends, not in a million years. But she's being so nice, and she seems sad to see Dwight go to the hospital, knowing he'll come back his usual self.

This is weird to Jim, because he doesn't think he could ever be friends with Dwight, even a concussed version of him, but then again, Pam likes a lot of people that Jim doesn't.

Then the wedding planning begins. And suddenly, it's everywhere. First the veil, then the hair, and Kelly won't shut up about it, and she's not even in the wedding. Jim needs to get away from it all, as soon as possible.

And then something even worse happens: Michael tells the whole damn office about his booze cruise confession. Jim tries to cover it up. He tells Pam that he used to have a crush on her, back when she first started, and he blows it off like it's nothing.

But oh, it is far from nothing. And standing so close to her in the kitchen makes him want to take out that card and tell her the real truth, but he can't. Not now. Not now that June 10th is happening. He's surrounded by wedding planning and blissful Pam acting as though everything has been perfect with Roy all along. And his feelings for her are far from nothing because his feelings for Pam are literally everything and he can't possibly keep going on like this.

He can't even think about how mildly disappointed she looks when he tells her it was ages ago. He can't let himself go down that path when he's only just dodged such a huge bullet.

When Pam is gone the following week, he keeps looking at reception, out of habit. Ryan must think he's crazy, but he doesn't care. He can't break the habit of looking for her at that desk.

Shit. What is he gonna do when she gets married? He can't keep staring at her like a crazy person.

She comes back on the same day something weird happens in Michael's office, and Michael sends him to the back to be with Kelly of all people. He'd been so looking forward to his usual habits with Pam finally...and then he gets sent back to the chatterbox corner. And not only that, but he's playing Cupid for Kelly and Ryan. Another office romance?

This is getting out of hand. It's like the universe is saying, "hey dummy! Look at all these other people doing it. Why can't you?" But he can't because she's in love with someone else, someone she'll be married to in just over four months.

And everywhere he turns, they're together. Roy is upstairs re-doing Michael's carpet so he's in the office all day. He's in Jim's usual spot at reception. He's at Jim's usual spot in the lunchroom. Jim's just had a week away from Pam and it looks like in that week, Roy and Pam have become some attached-at-the-hip couple. He's stressed that he can't talk to her, but he can't go sit with the two of them, not anymore. It used to be hard enough, but now with that date looming over them, with the planning going into overdrive, he can't do it.

And he feels that tiny shred of hope that Michael had instilled - engaged ain't married, he thinks to himself - shrivel up and die throughout the day, everytime he sees Pam and Roy together during the time she is usually with Jim. The office is their space. It's where he can pretend Roy doesn't exist. It's where he can talk to her about anything and everything, all day, and that's fine and normal and-

He hears her seven voicemails and the hope balloon expands again. Even with Roy in the office, with her fiance right there in front of her, she still needed Jim throughout the day.

How about that.

The weirdness doesn't end on the day of the carpet incident, though. The next thing Jim knows, he's being forced to hang out in the warehouse with Roy. Great. Just what he needs. It turns out that, yes, Roy has heard about Jim's "former" crush on Pam and that he's totally cool with it.

Because it means that Pam doesn't have to talk to Roy about her day at work.

God, Jim just loves that guy Roy.

He loves him even more when he convinces Pam not to take advantage of this amazing art opportunity that Jan suggests. If Jan herself is suggesting this program, then Jim really thinks it would be worthwhile for Pam to at least try, but of course, she lets Roy talk her right out of it. And it kills Jim that she's clearly so upset about it, but she still convinces herself that it's okay.

And that she's happy with "her choices".

He can't stop stepping in it, can't stop saying the wrong thing to her. He's in this inescapable maze and he just wants to move on, wants to find the exit, get over these feelings, and get out of there.

But he's trapped.

On Valentine's Day, when a box appears on Dwight's desk, Jim is really hoping it's some prank Pam has pulled, but it's just...a bobblehead? Of Dwight? He wishes he had time to think about who on earth could have given him a Valentine's Day gift, but he's too busy listening to Kelly talk about Ryan. Again.

He's really sick of all this office romance going on around him when he can't have it himself. He's frustrated and angry and disappointed and just downright sad and he accidentally takes it out on Kelly by giving her the advice he should have taken himself ages ago:

"Suck it up and move on."

She doesn't listen, just like he wouldn't have listened either. Just like he's still not listening. But he wouldn't wish this awful empty feeling on his worst enemy, so he certainly doesn't want Kelly to be feeling this low. Kelly's a nice enough girl and she doesn't deserve to be crushed the way Jim has been crushed for the past few years. Not a chance.

Pam definitely starts to sense Jim's weirdness about the wedding. She tries to keep her voice down when she talks about it, but he hears it inevitably. He tries not to let it bother him, but with less than four months until the date, he can practically hear the ticking of a clock in his head, telling him that his time running out. And every time he hears anything about the damn wedding, the clock speeds up.

So he plans a trip. He knows she's going to invite him to the wedding. He's joked about Roy not wanting him there, but he also knows that Roy probably wouldn't notice if the Pope himself were officiating, so it really doesn't matter what Roy wants. Jim and Pam are best friends, and Pam wants him at the wedding.

But that's too bad. Because his heart is already ripped to shreds and going to that wedding would be like setting it on fire and stomping it out with cleats on. He can't do it, he won't do it. He plans a trip, acts like it's an accident that it landed on the day of the wedding, but it's not.

"Someplace...not here," is his only criteria.

He mentions going on a date a few days after he tells her about the trip. Kevin's step-daughter has just asked him over for dinner - no he definitely didn't bond with her to impress Pam, but being good with kids sure wasn't a bad thing - and he mentions having a date. Kevin's blocking her face most of the way, but he can just barely make out the shocked look, and she's still got her mouth gaping when Kevin moves to leave.

And you know what? Good. Maybe, just like with Katie, she can be jealous. Pam knows what Jim has to offer. She knows it would be good, would be great. She knows it would be better than what she has with Roy, but she won't admit it to herself because Roy is safe and apparently Jim isn't.

He doesn't feel bad for making her jealous, but he has learned from his previous mistakes not to bring his date anywhere near Pam, at least not yet. He can't be around a new girl and a girl he shouldn't be in love with at the same time.

For probably the first time ever, he leaves without saying goodbye to Pam. He sneaks out, sees her looking at him and makes an awkward motion to her. He just wants to get away. As the wedding moves closer, he wants to move farther away.

Which is why shopping for Kevin feels like he's taken about fifteen steps backwards. They haven't spent time alone together like this since their date/not-date on the roof, eating grilled cheese and watching Dwight's weird, sad fireworks. But they're alone nearly all day, and to anyone who didn't know better, he bets they look like a couple. Pushing a cart of very strange items around, buying odds and ends - why is she amazed he uses fabric softener? Does Roy not use fabric softener? He bets Roy doesn't even do his own laundry. They laugh in the card section, picking out a very Kevin-esque card with a girl in a bikini on the front, sure to make him feel better. They head to the hockey rink with everyone else and, for Jim, it's another one of those date/not-date moments. They're on the ice, holding hands, and she's telling him not to let go.

It's all too much.

Every time Jim tries to avoid her, he ends up right next to her again. She has to know that the way she's treating him is wrong, at this point. He knows it's exactly how he treated Katie, and he knew it was wrong then. So Pam has to know now. She's holding his hand - this part isn't his imagination. She's sad that he's pulling away but she's the one who's getting married. He should have pulled away a very long time ago.

The day she jinxes him is the saddest day yet. He's never spent so much time in his own head. The wedding is getting closer, it's hanging over his head and he still has the card in his pocket and he still has so many words to say and it's like she knows. She teases him, saying he can tell her anything. But they both know he can't.

He can't tell her how much he loves when she smiles at him. He can't tell her how their pranks on Dwight are better together because they're better together. He can't tell her that when she's away, he looks forward to seeing her every single day. He can't tell her how much he misses her when he goes home, how he can't eat, can't sleep, can't function really. He can't tell her that she's both the only thing keeping him sane and the one thing driving him insane.

He can't tell her that he's in love with her. And they both know it.

So when she un-jinxes him, he tells her about Dwight. He tells her about the day, the normal, everyday things that happened around him. But he doesn't tell her that there's a sparkle in her eyes when she talks about her art that Roy doesn't notice. He doesn't tell her that he believes in her, that he knows she could be great if she'd give it a shot, take a chance. He doesn't tell her that he has a card burning a damn hole in his pocket with every word he needs to say but can't.

He doesn't tell her anything important.

He does, however, make the dumb decision to talk to Toby about something. And that comes back to bite him in the ass. Michael is as Michael does, and Michael is a mess. In his quest to solve every single conflict in the office, he alienates everyone from each other instead. Pam hears the complaint about her wedding planning and immediately assumes it's Angela.

Jim tries to talk to her, rationalize with her, but she won't have it. He doesn't get why she's feeling quite so much anger towards Angela - sure she's annoying and uptight, but this feels personal. He asks Pam how Roy feels, already knowing the answer: She hasn't talked to him about it. She doesn't like to bother him with these things, she says.

"Oh, like your thoughts and feelings?" Jim asks, and she agrees.

Pam is really something. How does a smart, funny, warm, caring, beautiful girl like Pam really think that it's normal to not talk to her fiance about the problems of her daily life? How does she feel that it's normal for her to talk to Jim all day about every little thing, and then to go home and tell Roy absolutely nothing?

He remembers telling Katie nothing. He remembers telling his date from a few weeks ago nothing. He knows that's not the same as not telling your fiance of three years nothing, but he still knows exactly why she's telling Roy nothing.

Now if only Pam would open her damn eyes and see for herself that she has feelings for Jim, that Roy is not the safe bet, that Roy is not the one for her.

But he can't make her do that, and instead here he is, once again, for what feels like the hundredth time this year, with his foot in his mouth. He admits that the complaint was from him and regrets it immediately. He knows he has to tell her, but he can sense the hurt without even seeing her face. He watches her shoulders tense up. She won't even turn and look at him.

He heads out on the two hour long journey to New York. It's ironic that Dwight was the one who pointed out this transfer to him. That Dwight may have handed him the key to all of his problems. It's ironic and strange and Jim is almost thankful to Dwight for the first time in his life.

Jim sits in the waiting area at the corporate office of Dunder Mifflin and he thinks about the past few months.

He thinks about the confidence he'd had when Pam's engagement was a ring on her finger and nothing more. He thinks about how he dated Katie to make her jealous - about how it worked. He thinks about the hand holding, the hugging, the affection, and he wonders if he's been reading everything all wrong. He wonders if he could have done anything differently - anything to stop himself from feeling this way, or to make her start feeling this way. He thinks about the card still burning a hole in his pocket, all these months later. He thinks about the night on a cruise ship in the middle of January, when Roy yelled out a date, and how he stuck with it this time. He thinks about how maybe Roy is turning over a new leaf.

He thinks about how he backed off of Pam, or he tried to, after that date was set. How he went from spending half of his day at reception to barely half his morning - sometimes less. He thinks about Pam's face when she saw his yearbook photo, when she opened the teapot, when he helped her name her fake disease, when he showed her how good he was with kids, when he kicked her fiance's ass at basketball.

Jim thinks about every moment from the second she sat down to lunch with him that first day, to the moment he sat down in this waiting area. And he knows that staying in Scranton is impossible. He can't get over Pam while sitting across from her. He can't be with Pam because she's less than two months away from being a married woman. He knows all of this, and Jan opens the door, and he's asking her for a transfer.

He keeps it to himself. He knows how quickly word spreads at this office and he won't chance that. The crew, who saw him sitting in the waiting area, but didn't go back into the meeting with Jan, asks him why he went.

"I have no future here," he tells them simply. And he doesn't.

He may have a future as a salesman, but who cares? If he stays in Scranton, he will stay comparing every woman he meets to Pam, and none of them will measure up. And he will not have a future, not a real one.

He talks to Jan at casino night, and she asks if he's told anyone yet. She tells him he should, and he knows he has to do one other thing first.

He thinks he'll start with the transfer and then tell her how he feels, because she'll ask why he's leaving. He thinks that, but he doesn't get that far.

"I'm in love with you," he's saying and there's nothing else. The noise from Casino Night has disappeared and the parking lot and the cars and the trees and Roy's truck are all gone and it's just him and Pam and nothing else. And she's looking at him and he knows, right then, that she never expected him to say it out loud. And she looks like a lost little girl, because now she has to confront her own feelings. Because he's confronted his and that means she has to confront hers.

Right?

But instead she's apologizing and saying his friendship means so much.

And he can't hear that. After all this time, he can't hear that. He knows she loves him, he knows it deep down in his soul but she won't say it and he can't hear anything else she's saying and he's walking away. He's crying and he's broken and he's lost. And maybe he should have just left without a word, gone to Stamford and never looked back. But, he guesses, then he'd always wonder what might have been. But now he's wondering if ignorance isn't bliss because this is worse than anything he's felt in his whole life.

He sees her go up to the office but doesn't want to follow her. He wants to follow her but he doesn't want to follow her. He wants to tell her that other piece of news: that he's leaving. That she won't have to worry about him damaging her precious wedding because he's leaving and he'll be out of her hair and out of her life and out of her mind.

But he walks up and she's on the phone and he can't hear much but he thinks maybe - just maybe - she may have just said, "I think I am," and he thinks maybe, just maybe, the person she's talking to may have asked if she's in love with him.

And he's walking up to her and she starts talking but he just kisses her. He kisses her because he can't wait anymore. He kisses her because that kiss at Chili's wasn't real and didn't count and he needs something real that counts and matters and this matters so damn much. He kisses her because he can't stand to not be kissing her anymore. And she's touching him and holding him and she's kissing him back and it's all he's wanted since she walked in the door, since she sat down to lunch with him, since their first prank on Dwight, since-

And she admits she's wanted to kiss him, too, and she admits she's still going to marry Roy, and he leaves. And he goes to Stamford, and he doesn't look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're enjoying this work so far, please feel free to reach out here or via Tumblr (awkwardnessandbaseball) to request any additional scenes or episodes from throughout the series! Any scene from any character's POV is welcome!


	4. Season Three - Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Season three was so fun to write, and the first time I got to write from Pam's point of view! Enjoy!

For the first little while after Jim arrives in Stamford, he's able to pretend that Scranton was all a weird dream he'd been living for the past few years. He's far away from Pam and Dwight and Michael and Pam's wedding and Pam and….

He misses her. He doesn't fit in as well at Stamford - not that he fit in well at Scranton, but he had Pam. Even without the mixed up feelings and the twisted up mess it became, he had Pam. And here, he has no one.

Andy is always pointing out different women in the office, talking about how hot - or not hot - they are. He thinks about how Pam would immediately want to prank someone like Andy. He's nicer than Dwight, means well where Dwight was constantly trying to be better than everyone and was just generally kind of a jerk. But he's annoying like Dwight, and has the same lack of understanding of personal space.

When Michael calls from Scranton asking about Gaydar, Jim really wishes he could ask about Pam. He thinks better of it, instead just sending some weird contraption he puts together with fake labels. He thinks of the face Pam would make if she knew the whole story and he wishes so badly that he could call her and tell her what the plan was. He wants to make her a part of this dumb prank, but he can't.

So he tries to re-create old traditions. He puts Andy's calculator in Jell-O, but there's no hiccup-y laugh to tell him it's funny. There's no laugh at all. And then Andy gets...fairly aggressive and Jim decides to never prank him ever again.

He's trying to make Stamford his new Scranton, he realizes. And when Mr. Brown comes in, he looks at the empty seat next to him, and he can smell Pam's shampoo, feel the pressure of her head on his shoulder, see the imaginary life he created for them where he's carrying her upstairs.

But she's married now, to Roy. She's married and he's in Connecticut and he needs to just...move on.

Of course, that's easier said than done when he has to spend an entire weekend in Philadelphia. She's so close, he could rent a car, drive an hour, and see her. He brings the card, out of habit, just in case…

But he doesn't. Instead he befriends Michael Scott, of all people, because wow, Michael really thinks he asked for a transfer because of him. Jim knows Michael is self-centered, but that's just crazy.

He hears Michael say that Pam is going on a date and Jim is...shocked. So, Pam's not married. Pam's not with Roy. Huh.

Well, good. He's always said, if she's not with Jim himself, she at least shouldn't be with Roy. He hopes she finds the right person. He really does.

But dammit Dwight got a freakin' hooker and again, he wants to call her, wants to tell her everything that happens to him but he can't. Even with the new information that she's single and dating and doesn't have one ring, nevermind two rings, on her finger, he can't call her. He can't go back down that path.

He put it all on the line, and Roy or no Roy, she turned him down.

So he keeps it to himself, hoping he'll find someone he can tell all about Dwight and his hooker eventually, and he goes back to Stamford with Josh and he doesn't look back. Again.

He starts to notice Karen. Karen is cute, and smart and funny. And Karen is teasing him, he thinks. He's wary, because the last time he had a crush on a girl at work, she waited to tell him about her boyfriend until he'd already fallen for her. So, he's wary, but he's noticing her.

She is, in many ways, the opposite of Pam. She's in sales, not at reception, which comes with a whole different skillset. She's got a tougher skin than Pam, especially working under Josh, and with a guy like Andy. She probably wouldn't get a lot of the pranks he's pulled on Dwight, but she does have a great sense of humor. Just...different. She's just different.

When they go on a quest for Karen's chips, he is reminded of the shopping trip for Kevin. He is trying so hard not to think about Pam, and just enjoy this person who is here, in Stamford, with him. This person who was never engaged to a guy named Roy, who didn't turn him down twice-

Okay, see, now he's thinking about Pam again.

He finally finds the chips and leaves them on her desk, and try as he might, he can't help but think about the time he and Pam had a fight and he left the chips on her desk. He thinks about how her favorites were Sun Chips and Karen's are Herr's.

Every time he tries not to think about Pam, he does exactly that.

He and Karen fight over a chair, and now he knows they're flirting. He knows in the same way that he knows that he and Pam were flirting all those years. He knows that when Andy ends up with the chair, it's like a prank he played on Dwight when he moved his desk into the men's room.

He misses Pam. And he likes Karen just fine but then he hears Pam's voice when he calls the office after hours one night.

And now he misses her more than ever. And they talk and talk and the sun goes down. And it get late, and he can picture her face while she's talking. And he's back at that desk and she's at reception and they're on the phone while Dwight yells in the background, locked in the conference room. And dammit, he misses her.

And then something happens on her end, and he stumbles, and she mumbles, and they're gone.

And for the first time ever, he regrets leaving Scranton.

He doesn't remember much about the night he drinks with Andy and Karen. He remembers falling into the bushes and he remembers Karen driving him home. He remembers wondering if this is just about how drunk Pam was when she kissed him.

But Karen is so pretty and so nice and she's driving him home and making sure he's safe and Pam is all the way in Scranton and Karen is right here in front of him.

He wakes up to a text from Pam about Michael doing something embarrassing. He has too much of a headache to respond, so he doesn't.

Which is why it's really awkward that there is a fairly reasonable chance that he'll see her soon. He knows it's not likely that they'll ask a receptionist to stay on and make the move to Stamford, Connecticut, but it's not totally impossible. Pam is good at her job, she's loyal to the company, and she's been dealing with Michael Scott for this long. If she can hold up under that, she can hold up under anything.

When he's offered the job as Josh's number two, he doesn't even question it. He accepts the position with no hesitation. When the tables are flipped, however, and the job involves being Michael's number two, his answer changes. Not because of Michael. Michael is weird, and wacky, and pretty annoying sometimes, but he's a good boss.

He's not ready to face Pam. Not after everything. Not after her rejection, the weird phone call, all these months without contact.

In the end, it's because of Karen that he takes the job. He sees the look on her face when he tells her to go to New York, and he's reminded of the way he felt when Pam told him to go to Maryland. So he takes the job, tells her to do the same.

When they arrive in Scranton, it's separately. He doesn't want there to be a big fuss when he walks in, and walking in holding Karen's hand would definitely cause a fuss. He should expect the hug from Pam, but he doesn't expect the feelings that come with it. He likes Karen, quite a bit actually, so he pushes the feelings for Pam right back down into the bottom of his heart and the back of his mind where they belong.

All day, she tries to talk to him. All day, he avoids her. He's just started this thing with Karen, he can't possibly risk it already. Not for another rejection.

He finds it both discouraging and almost relieving that Ryan is in his seat now. His back is to Pam, so he can't see her, can't be distracted by her, drawn to her. Instead, he faces Karen, which is the way it should be, dammit. Karen is his sort-of girlfriend, so that's who he should be facing. So...thanks, Ryan.

Karen calls him as he's walking to his car and he's surprisingly happy to see her name pop up on his phone. It's been a weird day and he wants to talk to her about it, even though she was there. It's a nice feeling. And then he sees Pam and, damn, he should tell her, should talk to her, something.

"You can do whatever you want," she's saying when he tells her he's seeing someone. And there's that bit of jealousy again. And maybe he was hoping she would just say, "No, Jim, don't be seeing someone, I love you." But that isn't what happens. And there's that word "friends" again, just like when she said his friendship meant so much to her and she rejected him and he kissed her and she did it again.

Scranton is both the same and different. Jim feels both at home and alienated. So he hops in his car and he goes towards something he knows is safe: Karen.

He doesn't want to tell anyone at the office that he and Karen are dating. Even when he was telling Pam, he left it anonymous: seeing someone. He knows how the people here get, and it will definitely get awkward once they all find out.

At least that's what he tells himself.

He also doesn't want to include Karen when it comes to a prank on Pam. It feels wrong, on a few levels. It feels petty and mean, where the prank itself is meaningless and silly and harmless. Getting Karen to gang up on Pam changes the whole tone and he doesn't like it.

At least that's what he tells himself.

Jim really does like Karen. He's not just telling himself that. And the little nagging feeling that he still has feelings for Pam is just going to have to get shoved further and further back in his mind until he can't feel it anymore. Because Karen didn't reject him twice. Karen took a job in Scranton because he suggested it.

But Pam is smiling at him and he's trying so hard to ignore it.

So instead he lets Andy sing to her on the couch by her desk. And he doesn't look at her, he just imagines her face, because he knows damn well what face she makes after a good prank.

Pam presents him with this really great gift for Christmas. It doesn't top the teapot or the card - which, no, he is not carrying around, but is instead burning a hole in a shoebox in the top of his closet. But it's a great gift.

He turns down the prank. As much as he doesn't want to bring Karen in on pranks against Pam, he also doesn't want to work with Pam on pranks against anyone. He knows how he feels whenever they work together on this stuff, and he knows it's not fair to Karen for him to get close to Pam like that. So he turns it down. He notices that Pam herself is getting closer to Karen, and he hopes it doesn't backfire on him later. He worries because he obviously hasn't told Karen about his feelings for Pam, especially not now that they're all working in one place, in such close proximity. He tries not to worry.

With the help of the camera crew, he realizes later that he's being ridiculous about Pam's Christmas gift. He's still pranking Dwight anyway, so maybe just this once, he can prank him with Pam. For old time's sake or something. Totally harmless.

His gift to Karen is meaningless. It's a dumb movie they saw together once. He didn't even get anything for Pam - he couldn't possibly give her something meaningless, so he can't get her anything at all. But he and Karen gift each other the same thing. Wow.

While talking to Michael - why is it that Michael is able to bring these feelings out in him and make him realize things he's been denying to himself? - he realizes he can't push away these feelings for Pam. They're still at the forefront of his mind, and Karen is just a rebound.

"Which don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but when it's over you're left thinking about the girl you really like, the one that broke your heart," he's advising Michael and realizing what a phony he is. He knows Karen is exactly that: a rebound. And maybe if they'd stayed in Stamford, he and Karen could have had a real chance. But here, in Scranton, he's never going to stop loving Pam.

And then he sees Pam hugging Roy and he swears to God no time has passed at all since last Christmas with the iPod and the card and the Chili's kiss and the kiss on his desk and him confessing his feelings and her saying she's still going to marry him-

He won't break up with Karen. He likes Karen, a lot. So he won't break up with her just because of Pam. That would be crazy.

He does, however, take Pam up on her Christmas gift. It's the least he can do. And the hiccup-y laugh and the impressed face are just a damn good bonus.

He really doesn't want to fight with Karen after Christmas. It feels wrong, he still feels like he's in that good place and he doesn't want to fight but here they are. It's just a lot for him, her moving that close. They'd be neighbors, there'd be no reason for her to not come over whenever she wanted and-

Why doesn't he want that? He's not mad that Karen wants to move so close: he's mad that he doesn't want her to. Pam, of course, talks some sense into him. Because Pam is amazing. And she's right, and he knows it. He's known it from the beginning, that he was wrong in this fight, but he needed someone like Pam to make him admit it.

When they talk about Jan and Michael it feels, again, like he's living last year all over again, only this time...this time he has the office romance that he so desperately wanted last year. It's just not with the person he was hoping for.

Yikes, that's a terrible thought. But he can't stop himself from thinking it.

In the end, he gives the application for the apartment to Karen. She's happy, which makes him happy. Jim should be with Karen, and Pam should be with Roy, he guesses. He's seen Roy poking his head around, saw Roy and Pam hug at the Christmas party.

Everyone's just playing it safe, or something.

* * *

 

Pam is stupid. God, she is so stupid. She should never have been with Roy. But Roy is safe and she knows Roy. Roy is predictable and she wouldn't have to meet his parents and impress them, because she already has. He knows her mom's favorite flower and Pam knows Roy's brothers better than she knows half of her own family.

But that doesn't mean she should have been with him.

She knew she had feelings for Jim years ago. Long before Karen and long before Katie. Honestly, before Roy even put that engagement ring on Pam's finger, Pam is pretty sure she was in love with Jim Halpert. And she's sorry it took her so long to realize it.

She has an idea in her head of her perfect life, and the face of her husband was always blurry. Even after she and Roy got engaged, after they stayed engaged for 3 years and then finally set a date and started planning, that face was blurry.

The second Jim kissed her on his desk on Casino Night, the face was clear. She'd known she was in love with Jim for years, but she'd never admitted it, even to herself.

When he left for Stamford, she was broken. It came at the same time as her canceled wedding and she was alone for the first time ever. She wanted her best friend, wanted him to be there for her, but maybe she didn't deserve that. She'd strung him along, flirted back with him, gotten jealous when he'd dated other girls. She didn't deserve an amazing guy like Jim.

When he comes back to Scranton, she wants to tell him that she called off the wedding for him. But then that first day is so crazy, and he's weird, and then he's seeing Karen. He doesn't tell her that it's Karen, but she knows. She sees the looks, the small affectionate touches. Jim doesn't know that she knows it's Karen, but she does.

She doesn't mean to be distant towards Karen initially, so she tries to bond with her. But maybe going after Angela is a bit much. She feels awful in the end, because she knows Angela only has Dwight on her side, and they've just taken that away from her as well. So they disband their little committee, but it was kind of nice to get to know Karen a little bit.

She swears it's not just because Karen is dating Jim. Pam really does like her. Damn, she really doesn't want to, but she does. And that makes it so much harder. Because loving Jim while liking Karen is just a mess.

After she talks to Jim about how ridiculous he's being about the apartment, she feels a lot better. She's still there for him, her best friend. They can still be that. But then when Karen tells her that it worked, she breaks down.

Pam is so stupid. She should have been with Jim from the get-go. She shouldn't have been with Roy, he shouldn't be with Karen. They're just circling around each other and they're just never going to get it right and Pam is just going to be here, watching Jim be happy with Karen, while Pam is crying outside and Dwight of all people is comforting her.

This is her bed, she made it herself, and now she must lie in it. And be as miserable as she deserves to be.


	5. Season Three - Part Two

When Jim gets back from his surprisingly not awful sales call with Dwight, he is...impressed by Karen's new look. He is less impressed with her tone when she asks him out for coffee.

He'd known it would eventually get back to her that he used to have a crush on Pam. He had hoped it wouldn't be so soon. Really, he'd hoped it wouldn't be ever.

He downplays it, of course. It was nothing, it's over, she rejected him.

"I'm really glad you're here," he tells Karen. And he is. He'd be right back where he was before he left if it hadn't been for Karen. And he is so much better off with her here. And he means that.

It's weird in the office without Dwight for a few days. He can't believe Andy's annoying levels have gone so far off the charts so quickly, but wow. He tries, he really does, to avoid pranking him with Pam. But everyone else is busy, he swears. And it takes two minutes, and God, is it worth it.

Until Andy punches a hole in the wall.

And then Karen asks him if he still has feelings for Pam. And no, he definitely doesn't. He likes Karen, he's dating Karen. Karen moved here for him. Pam is just a girl from his past, who he confessed his feelings to, who turned him down.

"Yes."

And they talk. They talk for days and he is so tired.

He tells her everything. Because he has to. Because they spend five days talking and at some point it's bound to all come out.

He tells her about the lunch date that wasn't a date, about the time Roy almost punched him, about the kiss a Chili's, and shopping for Kevin, and the card - but he doesn't tell Karen that he still has the card, obviously. He tells her about Casino Night, and the kiss.

He wishes he didn't, but he's glad he did. He's glad it's all out there because now he can move on. He's had some really deep talks with Karen now and he feels closer to her than ever.

Pam tries to talk to him, but it's meaningless and boring and she's rambling. He doesn't let himself wonder why she's so awkward around him. He knows where that train of thought will go and he can't go there, right when he and Karen are finally in a good place.

And then Pam tells Ryan she wants to go on a date with one of his friends and Jim is thrown. He's thrown because he wants to go on a date with Pam more than anything in the entire world but he cannot, will not, go down that road again. She rejected him twice, he reminds himself, and just because she's ready to date doesn't mean that she wants to date him.

Phyllis's wedding is weird.

Pam is awkward and Jim can't figure out why. He tries to talk to her, tries to get some of their old routine going, but then he says she's cute - or her dancing is - and he feels awkward.

"No, it's totally hypothetical," he's telling the crew. Pam would never, will never be interested in him. So, it doesn't matter.

And then he sees Pam looking so damn sad while he's dancing with Karen and his old urges to go to her and comfort her are back and he's still holding Karen but-

He comes back to reality, back to dancing with Karen and not dating Pam. He's happy with Karen and that's all that matters. He can't go comfort Pam because he isn't dating Pam. It's not his job. It never has been and it never will be.

And when Pam leaves with Roy, that seals it. Nothing has changed in the past year. Not a damn thing.

But Karen is singing and being goofy and he really likes her. And the last thing he's thinking about is Pam and Roy.

Seriously, Roy is just hanging around the office again - more than he used to even - and Jim feels like he's going to be sick. Is he in the Twilight Zone?

He is safe with Karen and Pam is safe with Roy and he guesses that's just the way it is.

He wants to go to Pam's art show. More than anything in this entire world, he wants to go and support his best friend in this thing she's doing. He's been supportive of her art dreams for years. But he can't go be around Pam and Roy. He can't do that to himself.

He also figures that other people from the office will go. He knows Pam is well-liked enough, and figures she won't even notice when he doesn't show up. He wants to go so badly, but he doesn't think she'll even notice.

He loves Pam so much, still, all this time later, and he wants to be there for her. He wants to prove that he supports her, still believes in her. That he's so glad she's taking these art classes now. He wants to be better than Roy - Roy, who never appreciated her art, who told her not to take advantage of the Dunder Mifflin art program. But he's not in Roy's position. He is with Karen and Pam is with Roy and that's apparently never going to change.

So he doesn't go to her art show and he hates himself for it. For a long time.

* * *

 

Pam is really hoping that someone will show up at her art show. She is really hoping that anyone will show up at her art show, but she is also hoping that someone will show up.

Pam does a lot for the people at work. She keeps Dwight and Angela's secret, for one. But even just work things. She's always doing favors for everyone, always staying late so other people don't have to. So it really sucks that no one shows up to support her at the one thing she asked them to show up for.

Roy shows up, and she's struck by how awkward it is to be with him. She does love him, in some part of her heart, but it's not a deep, meaningful love. And she still sees Jim's face when she pictures her future. And that's not fair to herself, or to Roy, or to Jim.

She really thinks he'll show up. She really does. After all the times he supported her art, times when he told her how good her drawings her. After the fight about her choices when she decided not to take advantage of the program…

She really thinks he'll show up, but he doesn't. And it might be the first time Jim Halpert has ever really, truly let her down.

She's hurt by what Oscar says. She's much more hurt by what he says than by what Gil says. Screw Gil, she doesn't know him. But Oscar saying honesty and courage aren't her strong points? That is...absurd. She is always honest and...okay maybe not so courageous.

Well, fine. If people want to see a more honest and courageous Pam, then that's what they're damn well going to get.

* * *

 

Jim knows he really likes Karen, because he genuinely feels jealous when she tells him she's dated all these guys at work. He wouldn't feel jealous if he didn't have fairly strong feelings for Karen, right?

He also thinks maybe he doesn't deserve Karen because then he almost gets beat up, right in the middle of the office, over another girl.

Great. This just is never going to end, apparently.

It's a really scary moment for Jim. He's expected this for years, had a close call once. But having it really happen, having tall, overbearing Roy charging at him is honestly the scariest moment of Jim's fairly boring life. And when Dwight of all people saves his life, he spends ages trying to figure out what to do in return.

He tries to talk to Karen, but she just makes him feel so small about it. Yeah, he obviously feels a little guilty for the pranks he's pulled, but Dwight also kind of deserved them. And then he starts to think that maybe Karen is just jealous that the pranks were pulled with Pam or something.

No, he really does feel guilty. But he also doesn't like the way Karen just brushes him off. And tells him to go do some work. She clearly doesn't know how Jim works around here: he doesn't.

Pam tries to apologize for Roy coming in and trying to beat his face in. And she looks so sad and so lonely and Jim wants to hug her but instead he just goes cold. He's done. He's done with Pam, and with Roy, and with their drama and this sad, tragic love affair that never meant anything and never went anywhere. Dammit, Jim is with Karen now and he was never with Pam to begin with and Pam won't change that by swearing she's never going to get back with Roy.

He'll believe it when he sees it.

He does wish he could tell Pam when he sees Dwight and Angela making out: she was right last year! How about that. But he keeps it to himself for a few reasons. One, of course, that this means he and Dwight are even and he can go back to pranking him again. Two, this will be the first thing he avoids telling Pam about. This is a step in the right direction. He can't just go run and tell Pam every time something happens in the office. He can't.

Over the next few weeks, the drama dies down. Roy is gone and the jokes about the whole incident are over.

Kevin makes a comment about all of Jim's time at reception and Jim shakes it off, but he's thinking about his hours spent up here with Pam. He's thinking about the pranks and the jokes and the dumb stories about their weekends. Dammit.

When Michael says "Threat Level Midnight" at a meeting about the watermark issue, Jim is thinking about the past again. About the time when Pam ditched Roy to sit next to him and lead a table read of Michael's horrible, nonsense screenplay, and about the time they actually filmed it.

Jim is screwed, oh God he is so screwed. He likes Karen, and he can't trust these feelings for Pam. He keeps gravitating towards her, even now. Even after all that time, all these years of pining, after the rejection and dating Karen right in front of her. Even after watching her run right back to Roy.

He knows he's going to end up breaking Karen's heart. But still, just like with Katie, he is trying so hard to fall in love with her.

It's just impossible because he's living in the past.

It's been six months now. He's been with Karen for six months and he's happy with her. Karen is safe and supportive and she makes him a better worker, that's for sure.

But Pam pulls a prank on Dwight - such a simple one, but so beautiful, and Jim can't help it. He's right back to his normal antics, he just can't not get involved. He knows he shouldn't. He knows he's with Karen and Karen definitely wouldn't approve of this, but...maybe Karen doesn't understand him that well.

When they hear about this open position at corporate, they immediately call David Wallace. Jim wonders for a moment if it's weird, unprofessional, to call together like that. But Karen insists, so they do. And Jim feels a lot better after talking to him.

Maybe he has a future here after all. New York sounds pretty damn good, actually.

Beach day is full of weirdness, because Michael is weird. Andy disappears and Dwight is...in rare form once he finds out that Michael's job is on the line. And Jim just keeps a straight face through it all because he is interviewing for a corporate job, and soon this stuff will all be beneath him. It won't matter. None of it will.

And then Pam. Wow. In all the years he's known her, Jim has never heard Pam be so confident, or brave, or honest.

"I called off my wedding for you," she's saying. He'd known, somewhere deep inside, that she had. He wouldn't - couldn't - admit it to himself because it was a path he didn't want to go down. He's been with Karen since he stepped food back into the Scranton office, and dwelling on why Pam didn't get married was the last thing he wanted to do.

"The truth is I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you," and he can't move. He can't breathe. Pam Beesly is standing in front of him, admitting her feelings - taking a chance, just like he did. But bigger. God, all Jim did was tell a girl he loved her. Pam is telling the whole damn office. And Jim isn't going to say anything in front of everyone. In his head, he's got a million scenarios, a million different directions this could go. But in the end, he just sits there.

Pam Beesly broke his damn heart a year ago, and he still hasn't fully recovered. Six months with Karen is nothing compared to the time he's spent loving Pam and he knows it will never be enough.

He knows, but he still doesn't say anything. He feels everyone watching him. He knows he's got to say something, but he's in a very precarious place. He knows he and Karen are going to have another late night of conversation, maybe even two or three late nights. He knows this so he doesn't say his piece in front of her. He can't talk to Pam in front of her - it's not fair to either of them.

But he's with Karen, and not Pam, and so he echoes Pam's words back to her. He tells her she "means a lot to him". He leaves a lot of things unsaid, and she knows it. In the end, they leave the beach with a lot more on their minds.

Karen is understandably uncomfortable. Jim would hate to be in her shoes - has hated being in them, in fact. He knows she has every right to not like Pam.

He just wishes it weren't his fault.

She has a bit of an extra attitude leading up to the interviews. She calls his normal look "homeless", and less than affectionately, at that. He knows she means well, but he really isn't happy with any of it.

When she suggests they leave early and go to New York for an extra night, he jumps at the chance. He needs to get away from Scranton, away from Pam, and really figure out what the hell he's doing. And if he gets this job in New York, then all the better.

They have a really great night in the city. Karen is so fun, she's always ribbing on him and they have a blast together, all the time. But dammit if his head isn't back in Scranton the entire time.

"We have no future in Scranton," she's saying and he knows she's right. He knows he's said the exact same thing - about himself, not himself and Karen. But moving to New York for Karen...that's a lot. They've been together six months. That's still early to be moving states for someone. Although, he supposes, their whole relationship began when she took a job in Pennsylvania at his suggestion.

Shit.

When Karen says not to feel bad for Jan, Jim feels even more uncomfortable. He knows Jan is a nutcase, but he also knows that she doesn't necessarily deserve to be kicked out on her ass like that in front of all of the other employees and interviewees and everyone else. And the fact that Karen just wants to laugh at her kind of rubs him the wrong way.

"Dunder Mifflin, this is Grace," the receptionist is saying and Jim is back in Scranton. He is at his desk - his old desk - and Pam is at reception and things are normal again. She's not with Roy and he's not with Karen and dammit that's what he wants.

But New York would be amazing. A promotion, a raise, an escape. So he heads into the interview with David Wallace with every intention of taking the job if it's offered.

And then he finds the note. And the yogurt lid from Pam's mixed berry yogurt. From the day they held the olympics and Pam motivated Jim to let loose and have some fun instead of only wanting him to work. The day Pam seemed to understand why this weird activity was so strangely important to Jim and she folded up a bunch of doves and flew them behind Michael's head.

"What have you liked most about that place?" Wallace is asking him.

Pam. The receptionist. His best friend in the entire world who he's been neglecting all because he was dating someone he wasn't even in love with. That pretty girl at the desk with the curly hair and that hiccup-y laugh and her impressed face and her beaming smile and-

"Where do you see yourself in ten years?"

And for the first time in a long time, Jim is picturing that future. He's carrying Pam up to bed when she falls asleep on his shoulder on the couch. Jim is cooking the bacon and Pam is making the eggs. He lets her sleep in on Saturdays and serves her breakfast in bed and they buy a house with a huge backyard for their kids and-

He leaves. He calls Karen and meets her and he tells her what she already knows. He's never going to get over Pam. Not in Scranton or Stamford or New York. Pam is his end-all, be-all, and he's never going to want anyone else in this entire world in the way that he wants her. He doesn't say all of that to Karen, but he says enough of it. And then he drives home to Scranton. Alone.

He has three entire hours to think of what to say. He has the card in his glove box - he knows that was dangerous, with how often Karen was in the car, but he likes having it near him. He could give her the card and walk away. But she knows he loves her. She knows he did, anyway. No, he has to take action. Because telling her he loved her did nothing. Kissing her got her to to admit her feelings, at least to herself.

Action it is.

"Are you...free for dinner tonight?"

"Yes." And he can see the tears in her eyes and they are not the bad kind. Jim Halpert has never, in his entire life, been so happy about a decision. He spent years not telling her how he felt, then another year avoiding the fact that he still felt that way.

He loves Pam Beesly and he isn't going to wait to be with her anymore.

"Then...it's a date," and he closes the door and lets her finish her interview with the crew.

Not a bad day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY, am I right???


	6. Season Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Say it with me: FINALLY!!!!!

It's a little weird when Karen disappears. Jim really is sorry that he hurt her, that he made her feel like she needed to leave. But, he's been there. And maybe leaving is the best thing for everyone involved.

He spends the summer dating Pam Beesly. It is everything he ever expected it to be. He has never, in his life, been so happy. And he worries that it will only last a while, or that when the people at the office find out, it will be ruined.

But he tries to just live in the moment and enjoy the fact that he gets to hold hands with the person he's been in love with for years. Finally.

They tell each other everything. They hang out almost every day - sometimes just a casual coffee, sometimes they get dinner, sometimes they watch a movie. And he was right, she is the type to fall asleep on the couch watching a movie and then ask when they're going to bed. And God he just loves her so damn much.

He moves back to his old desk, with Ryan officially gone. And it's nice to be able to have his wordless conversations with Pam again. To high five across the open space between them, to pull dumb pranks on Dwight. It's nice that when he has a bad day, or a bad sales call, he can go to reception and she'll just immediately make him feel better.

It's all so damn nice and he can't wrap his head around it.

They both know that people are talking about them. After Pam's speech on the beach, and then Jim's almost immediate break-up with Karen, it looks pretty suspicious. But they find the best course of action is just to ignore everyone else and pretend nothing's going on. Because the second people find out, things are going to get weird.

It's actually really nice that Pam is the one who spills it to the crew after they get caught. God, he didn't realize the crew was going to follow them, or they would have done a better job at sneaking around. But he's been a little worried that maybe Pam isn't as invested as him, and that's why they're keeping it a secret. He know she cares about him, but Jim has been head over heels in love with Pam for years, and he is still getting used to the idea that he gets to kiss her almost anytime he wants. And truly, a big part of him just wants to tell every single person he's ever known in his entire life.

So when Pam is the one to tell the crew, Jim feels just a little bit more secure.

"It is going really great," he tells the crew. And he's smiling at her and she's smiling at him and dammit he has never been so happy.

As always, Jim will take any excuse to get out of doing work. So when this weird fun run idea comes to Michael, Jim is all for it. It's just an added bonus that he gets to lag behind with Pam and hold her hand. Every moment with her is still unbelievable to him and he just wants to be able to show her, all the time, how much he loves her.

He's a little bit disappointed when she shakes his hand off because they see Michael. He knows why they're not telling anyone, but he still...wants to tell everyone. He can't help it.

But then when Pam assures him that she's having a really nice day, looks right into his eyes and smiles that beautiful smile of hers, he's fine. He's good. He's got Pam and Pam's got him and damn, Jim Halpert is so freakin' happy.

Jim is significantly less happy when the entire office finds out that he and Pam are dating. While, yes, he wanted to shout it from the rooftops the moment she said yes to dinner all those months ago, he also wanted to be the one to share the news when he and Pam were ready.

He's annoyed that his co-workers are so petty, that Phyllis really feels the need to remind Pam that she can't favor Jim. Nothing has changed. Things are exactly the way they're supposed to be.

Then, he thinks of the card in his glove box, of the ring in the box in his bottom drawer at his desk, and is just thankful to even be dating the love of his life. When they officially tell Toby, he is beyond ecstatic when Pam uses the words, "pretty official" and smiles up at him with that smile he fell in love with so long ago. He loves when she looks up at him like that, has loved it for years. He loves it more now that it's got something extra to it.

When he tells Pam about Dwight and Angela, he is upset that she knew first. He thinks back to when she told him they weren't a thing, when she got so defensive at his party about it, and wonders why she lied. But he doesn't dwell on it, instead just tells her,

"We should have started dating, like, a long time ago." And it's a silly and funny thing to say, but it's also so true. They wasted so much time with the wrong people. They should have been together all along. But maybe things were meant to be that difficult, because maybe if he'd started dating Pam when he fell in love with her while she was in love with someone else, he wouldn't have appreciated her as much. Maybe if he hadn't loved her from afar for so long, grown close to her as her best friend and confidante, maybe their relationship would be lacking. But instead, it's perfect, and she's perfect, and he loves her so damn much.

Now that Ryan is corporate, he's got a little extra of that attitude he'd been starting to accumulate during his last few months at Scranton. So it gives Jim...probably a little bit too much pleasure when Ryan asks Pam out and she says no with absolutely no hesitation. When she tells Ryan she's dating Jim, it gives him this little extra pep in his step for the rest of the day: take that, New York Ryan. And he's really not jealous of Ryan - he withdrew from consideration for that position because of Pam, and he'd never ever change that decision. Ryan is just a jerk, plain and simple, and Jim really likes when bad things happen to jerks.

For example, when this stupid website gets launched and Dwight decides to take it on. Yes, this will be an amazing example of a bad thing happening to a jerk.

At first Pam won't join him but he knows Pam. It'll just take one wrong move-

Andy blasts the air horn and she's in.

Pam is so damn good at these pranks. It's a shame Jim wasted a year barely working with her, because they really do great work together. A computer coming to life to taunt Dwight is like...the best thing they've done in years.

After the meaningless road trip with Michael, Jim is really dying for some alone time with Pam. Alone time with Michael always seems to do that. It's like, to wipe away the weird, awkward, kind of stupid vibes from Michael, he needs to go be alone with Pam and her good, kind, smart, beautiful vibes. Somehow, they get onto the topic of when they first knew they had feelings for each other.

For him, it's easy.

The moment they met. And she made an offhand comment about Dwight. And he knew he had to get to know this girl because she had the same sense of humor as him, and a great smile. And he was hooked. Right away.

He expects hers to be recent. He expects it to be while he was with Karen, or maybe when he started dating Katie.

"This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired"

That's the moment? God, she's liked him nearly as long as he's liked her. That was years ago.

They really should have started dating a long time ago. But he's just happy, here on this roof, with the love of his life. He thinks about the last time they were up here, when she went home to her fiance, when she wouldn't even admit that there was anything romantic about it. But now here they are with pizza, and he's got a ring downstairs that he's had since their second date. And she's going to go home with him, and not to Roy. And he's so damn in love with Pam Beesly right in that moment, and he's so thankful that he's lucky enough to be the one she's up on that roof with.

The one thing he never expected from Pam Beesly was that she would spend time with Dwight Schrute outside of work hours. What he kind of expects to be a set-up for a prank, turns out to be a reservation at Dwight's beet farm. And it is...weird. And kind of exactly what Jim would have expected from Dwight. And a beet farm.

When Jim used to imagine his future with Pam, he never ever thought that their first "night away" would have anything to do with Dwight, but here they are. And it's not so bad, and he's with Pam. The sounds throughout the night have Jim thinking about their future kids, taking turns to see who's crying and who needs a glass of water and who's up for no reason.

The fantasies are a lot less daunting when they're an actual possibility.

What shocks him even more than spending a night with Pam on Dwight's beet farm is how bad he feels for Dwight. Jim has been in the same place, pining over a woman who won't look at him that way. He goes to the stairwell to comfort Dwight and only ends up horribly sad himself.

He wishes he could tell Past Jim about where he is today - back in Scranton, with Pam. How he gets to kiss her all the time, hold her hand, talk to her all damn day if he wants. How she sleeps in his bed some nights and how he loves her even more now that he has her than he ever thought possible. How she's his and he's hers and they are so damn happy. And he would tell Past Jim to still go to Stamford. He really wouldn't change anything because whatever choices he made, they got him Pam. And he would never want to risk that. And while he's remembering two years ago, and while he's telling Dwight how bad it got, he knows how lucky he is to be where he is now. And he wonders if he's told Pam lately how lucky he is, how happy he is.

So he kisses her. He kisses her before she even finishes her sentence because, just like on Casino Night, he has to kiss her. He can't stand, in that moment, to not be kissing her anymore. So he does, and he's not sorry that he's kissing her at work and he's not sorry that it's in front of their co-workers or the cameras or anything else. Because he can kiss Pam Beesly whenever he wants and she can kiss him whenever she wants and they are just so lucky to have found each other, finally.

The next few months are nothing short of amazing. Through every rough day, every weird Michael moment, everyone of annoying Dwight antics, Jim has Pam.

When he has to go see Karen, he's reminded of how badly he screwed up. He never ever wanted to hurt Karen, which is why he will probably never forgive Michael for dragging him to Utica, but he also knows Karen was all wrong for him. The way she doesn't understand the pranking - he knows, it's dumb, but that's something he and Pam fell in love over, so sue him if it's something he enjoys.

It strikes him how odd it is that he finds other office romances reassuring, and nice, where he used to find them annoying. He plays ping-pong with Darryl and he loves that Pam and Kelly watch them. It reminds him of the basketball game, of Pam cheering for him when she was dating Roy. He finds it weird that Kelly takes it so seriously, but if Pam wants him to play harder, than he's damn sure going to do it.

He still sucks, and he still loses, and she still loves him at the end of the day.

The Michael/Jan relationship is still just as weird as the first rumors that went around so many years ago. He remembers discovering that, talking about it with Pam, being so frustrated that other people in the office were able to get together and he couldn't have that.

Once he sees how they live, he wants literally anything but what Michael and Jan have. He almost gets out of it, seriously considers leaving Pam behind, but of course she would never let that happen and he gets roped into staying.

He deserves it for trying to leave.

After the disastrous events of the evening, they eat burgers in his car, and honestly it's one of the best dates he's ever been on. Every date with Pam is the best date. He has stopped caring how cheesy he is, he loves her more every single day and every time she smiles at him like that and damn is he in deep.

But now being in deep is a good thing. He's not in deep over a committed woman, a married woman, a woman going home with someone else at the end of the day. He is head over heels in love with a woman who is just as in love with him.

Which is why it's kind of shocking at first that she turns down the idea to live together. Not that it was a graceful conversation, but she turned it down cold. And he gets it, but does she really think he's not serious? He's never been so serious about anything in his life as he is about Pam Beesly.

"Got it a week after we started dating," he tells the crew, and he starts faking her out. He wants her to always think he's going to propose. He wants her to remember every single time he gets down on one knee or starts a deep speech, because he remembers every single moment with her. So whether it's the real proposal or not, damn if it's not going to be something they tell their kids about.

After Ryan puts Jim on probation, he has this weird new motivation. He hasn't had motivation to actually do work in years. But probation is not good, and he's trying to buy a house and he can't do that without a job. So he's going to land this account.

And he does. And he kisses Pam so damn hard and he doesn't care that Kevin and Andy are making weird noises behind him and that Michael is right there. Jim is so in love with this woman and he wants her to know it. She's the reason he tried, the reason he didn't just keep scraping by. He has big plans for Pam Beesly, and he can't tell her what they are yet. So he just kisses her and relishes in the fact that she is is and he is hers and that is all that matters.

For what feels like the fifteenth time in this long, convoluted love story with Pam, Michael is the inspiration behind a big move. Jim talks him down over the Holly thing - because yikes, but also he gets it because Jim knew he loved Pam years ago. But Jim didn't go telling Pam that he loved her right away, and now he is the happiest guy in the world.

Which is why he needs to marry her.

He goes all out. He tells Phyllis to get the fireworks and he gets the ring out of the drawer in his desk and he sits in the parking lot with Pam and he waits.

And her head is on his shoulder and suddenly it's three years ago and she's fallen asleep at a Michael meeting and he's imagining a crazy future. And now here he is, about to make that future a reality. He holds the ring box in his hand and he looks at Pam and he nearly cries.

He may have never had this. He may have never taken that chance on Casino Night and let Pam just go be blissfully unaware with Roy. He may have never come back from Stamford. Pam may never have said her piece at the beach or left a note for him in his interview. So many "ifs" and he won't let this be another one.

He is meant to be with Pam Beesly and he just doesn't want to wait anymore.

"Hey…" and then it goes quiet, because Andy is at the mic.

And then Andy proposes to Angela and Jim honest-to-God almost cries. That was his moment. He wanted a big, exciting, impossible-to-forget moment for his mental memory box. He wanted to give Pam something amazing and wonderful and now he can't because what is he gonna do, pay Phyllis to get some more fireworks the next day?

And he sees the look on Pam's face and he knows she thinks something is wrong. He knows that she thinks tonight would have been amazing and that she thought he would propose. He knows Pam and he knows why her smile isn't reaching her eyes and dammit he is so sad.

Because this summer, Pam is going to freaking New York for art school. And dammit he is so proud of her but he doesn't want her to go. He feels like he just got her and now she's leaving and she won't have this ring on her finger that he so desperately wants to put there. And Jim hates that he's made her sad and he hates that Andy ruined this night and he hates that Pam is leaving.

He's so happy but he's also so damn mad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As this story progresses, please feel free to send any episodes or scenes you'd like to see that weren't included, or that you'd like to see from a different character's POV!  
> Tumblr: awkwardnessandbaseball


	7. Season Five - Part One

They talk about it. They talk about their future and they decide that they don't even want to be engaged while Pam is in New York. Jim makes a joke about Roy to the crew, but it actually is a sore spot for him.

He still hates Roy, oops.

He kind of hates that Roy is the reason that he can't put this ring on her finger right now. That instead he's still walking around with it in his pocket, hiding it. That Pam is going to be three hours away for  _months_  and he can't just propose to her first.

He sends her off and he's really sad. And Michael, as usual, doesn't help, ruining his last few moments with Pam before she drives off. He feels like it's three years ago and he just wants to relish his alone time with her while he can and then someone shows up and ruins it.

Halfway through the summer, he finally visits her. He's just there to hang some shelves or whatever but  _oh God_  he cannot wait to see her. He thought missing her was bad when she wasn't his, when she was dating Roy and she would leave for a few days, when he left and went to Stamford. That was nothing. Knowing that he  _could be with her_  but he can't because she's doing this (totally amazing) art school thing and he's working, or trying to...it's somehow worse. He misses her so badly and - oh, once again, they are interrupted.

It's like their entire story is just full of these annoying, pointless, weird interruptions and God he just wants five minutes alone with his girlfriend.

When he has to go nearly another two weeks without seeing her, he decides he can't stand it anymore. He isn't even thinking, just doing. He asks her to meet him, like it's some casual thing.

"It's gonna blow your mind, Beesly," he'd told her all those months ago. And while proposing at a gas station is certainly not romantic, he also knows she won't be expecting it. And that he just literally can't stand the idea of her not wearing this damn ring anymore. It's  _her ring_ , it's meant to be hers and he wants her to have it and to wear it and for everyone in the entire city of New York to know that Pam Beesly is his and he is hers and that is all that matters in this world.

As soon as he sees her, he's down on one knee. He barely says hello, doesn't wanna wait.

No one walks by, no one honks their horn or calls or bothers them. They finally have the five minutes of alone time he's been so desperate for and thank  _God_  she says yes so he can just kiss her like he so desperately wants to. And they go their separate ways and it sucks but he can't stop smiling because Pam Beesly just agreed to be  _his freaking wife_  and yeah he knew she would say yes, but he also worried and was nervous and now he doesn't have to be because she said yes.

He doesn't stop smiling for a week.

It's different being engaged. Not within the scope of his relationship - he's planned on marrying Pam practically since he walked through the door of Dunder Mifflin for the first time. But in the office. Without her there, he doesn't have the same NEED to tell everyone that he did when they started dating. When they got together, it was a feeling of "I knew it, I told you so, I knew she loved me," but now it's something they're sharing that's private and secret and no one else deserves to know yet.

Plus, he knows his co-workers, and telling them goes...pretty much as expected.

And then he's on the ground because Michael Scott has tackled him.

Yep. Just another normal day in the office.

They have a few weird days, with Pam in New York and him in Scranton. They can't connect, can't hear each other, have to rush through every conversation. But he still wants her to know about this  _weird_  baby shower and Jan's singing and he still wants her to tell him about...what was her friend's name? Stacy?

He wants to tell her everything and he wants to know everything and  _dammit he just wants her to be here._  He finds a strange comfort in the fact that the message she leaves him is so similar to the one he's just left her. Even when they can't connect, they're still connected. And he misses her and he's sad, of course, but that small comfort gets him through the next week, at least.

Seeing Roy is what finally brings him back down to reality. He doesn't think Roy is going to punch his lights out all this time later, but it's still not a situation he wants to be in. Roy is not a person he wants to see. It's so weird, because he's with Pam,  _engaged_  to Pam, but he still hates Roy for how he treated Pam three years ago.

Weird.

Which is why, when he finds himself driving to New York City in the middle of the night, he tries to rationalize it. Tries to act like it's  _not_  because of Roy. But it's Roy's voice ringing in his ears:

"You were her friend."

He was. Jim was just her friend. He was her friend who sat across from her and spent time with her and got to know her and fell in love with her and through it all, she was falling in love with him, too. And her engagement to Roy didn't matter to either of them when they were together, so what if-

No. Jim is not jealous of some random people in New York. Jim is not jealous of Pam's friends from art school, of her drinking buddies. Nothing could ever compare to his and Pam's relationship and a few drinks on a Thursday night can't be enough to change that. So he turns around and forgets Roy's voice and Roy's  _face_  and pretends the whole thing never happened.

He believes in his relationship with Pam. More than anything in this world.

Jim has always been defensive of Pam's art. When she was with Roy, he wanted her to pursue it - got in a  _fight_  with her over it in fact. When Dwight insults the painting of the office, Jim wants to find some extra annoying prank to pull on him. Jim will always defend Pam's art, because it's  _damn_  good and because Pam  _loves_  it. And anything Pam loves, Jim loves. That's just how it goes.

So, suffice it to say that he is thrown off guard when both of his brothers start going  _in_  on Pam about her art. It's supposed to be a nice, congratulatory lunch, and they're both, honestly, being dicks. He can tell Pam is annoyed, but she's not defending herself, at least not much, and Jim seriously has no idea what's going on. When it turns out to be a prank, he wants to hug Pam. That's it. Because he knows how uncomfortable she must have been for the past  _hour_  with her future family making fun of her passion, and he knows that she put up with it because she wants them to like her.

She's a good sport, and she shouldn't have had to do that. But she did anyway. He loves her so damn much in these moments. And when she mentions Thanksgiving, his imagination runs wild. Family get-togethers with rings on their fingers and babies in their arms. Thanksgiving and Christmas was kids' tables - little mini Jims and mini Pams with their glasses of milk and their Christmas lists and tiny, sticky hands. A Christmas tree in their living room - the living room he celebrated so many of his own Christmases in - with piles of presents labeled "From Santa" and cookies left out on the table. He can't wait for her to come home so they can just get started on the rest of their lives.

And he misses her as soon as he leaves to drive back home.

The day they use the bluetooths is somehow both the best day and the worst day he's had in Scranton since Pam left. He almost -  _almost_  - feels like she's there with him, or he's there with her, or a little of both. But his day in the office is tainted.

"Sprinkle of cinnamon," they say at the same time and he smiles. He knows his Beesly, that's for damn sure.

But his bonus is kind of extra important right now, and he feels more stressed about money than he has since Ryan put him on probation. He's buying this house for his future wife and he needs this bonus money. Jim knows he's not perfect, but he also knows that customer service is probably the part of his job that he's best at. He  _gets_  people, and people like him. So what is going on?

"Maybe it's 'cause you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist," Pam suggests in his ear. And he smiles.

"Little bit. Worth it." And it was. Really and truly because even if he can't get this bonus and he can't buy this house, he still has Pam, and that's all he's wanted for as long as he cares to remember. But still...that bonus is really freakin' important.

When it turns out that Kelly was just pissed because he didn't go to some dumb party of hers, he doesn't even care if she's punished or not - he just wants that bonus.

And he's so excited about the bonus but also really depressed because he's heard what Pam's classmate, her "friend", has said about New York. And he cannot and  _will not_  be the thing that holds her back if she wants to stay. But God he loves her so much and he misses her and he thinks about that "For Sale" sign in front of his parents' house and he kind of wants to slug this guy for even suggesting that Pam stay because  _Pam needs to be right here with him_. But he also knows that, if she were to stay, he'd wait for her. He's waited this long. He won't be the thing that she resents in 50 years if she's wondering what could have been.

Things are not looking better when it turns out that Pam fails a course. He's still stuck. He still wants her to come home, but he wants her to  _want_  to come home. He doesn't want to tell her to come back to him. He can't do that to her. So he lets it be her choice. But when he hears her choke up on the phone, hears her lie about her phone battery, it takes all of his strength to not hop in his car and drive to New York just to hug her and tell her that, no matter how many times she has to take these damn courses, things are going to be okay.

She comes home.

He's so ready to deal with another three months of long distance. Another three months of bluetooth phones and missed calls and long drives. He's so ready but he's also so not ready and God he's damn thankful that she's back that he doesn't even care that she's lying  _right to his face_  about not coming home for him.

She comes home for him. And he never ever would have asked her to but he is so thankful that she did.

And of course, in true Dunder Mifflin Scranton fashion, Dwight interrupts this nice, beautiful, calm moment with some task for Pam.

"Welcome back."

He finally buys the house and his parents finally move out and it's finally time for Jim to do the scariest thing he's done since the night he kissed Pam while she wore a blue dress and told him she was still going to marry someone else.

Jim is not an impulsive person. It took him  _years_  to tell Pam how he felt, another year to finally ask her on a date, and months of carrying around a ring in his pocket to finally put it on her finger.

Buying a house is a huge deal. Buying a house without Pam knowing is even bigger.

He takes her on a tour of this house she's seen dozens of times. He shows her around, hoping she's looking at it with new eyes. He's hoping she's seeing Their House instead of His Parent's House, but she's not saying anything. She's just staring at him and not saying a word and he is so scared that she hates it. He doesn't know what he'll do if she hates it.

"I love it," she's saying and he's finally breathing again. And they're hugging in Their Garage and he's thinking about all of the memories that he has in this house and how many new ones they're going to make and Pam loves it and he is so glad he decided to be impulsive for once and just do it without wondering about the consequences.

* * *

 

When Pam first gets out of the car, she is...lost. Why would they need to stop at Jim's parents house? She sees the For Sale sign and is even  _more_  confused.

She can't say anything while he shows her around. She's been in this house a thousand times - the dangers of Jim living so close to his childhood home: they often end up at his childhood home for dinner. But she's seeing it with new eyes.

He's talking about the shag carpet, but she's already picked out a new color for the walls. They walk past the master bedroom and she's thinking about waking up next to Jim in-okay, wait, maybe not in his parents' room. But that's a discussion for later.

They walk through the kitchen and she's already picked out new cabinets, new backsplash, new tiles. This isn't Jim's Parents' House anymore. This is Jim and Pam's House and they're going to make it their own.

The garage makes her cry. She thinks back, just for a moment, to telling Roy about the Dunder Mifflin art program, about how he shot her down immediately, without a second thought, while Jim told her she should do it. She thinks about their fight, about her choices back then. She thinks back to when she and Roy first broke up, about how the first thing she did for herself was enroll in art classes. She thinks about how Jim supported her  _every single day_  that she was away in New York and how she  _failed_  and how this is what she came home to. She thought she was coming home to her normal life, to boring Scranton, boring Dunder Mifflin, and Jim. But she came home to a house of her own. She came home to an art studio, to a supportive fiance, to the best life she's ever imagined for herself.

"You bought me a house," she keeps saying, because she can't believe it. She is the luckiest girl in the whole damn world, and nothing will ever convince her otherwise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Season Five was super fun to write - so much fluff!!! Can't wait to share the second half with you <3
> 
> Also, I'm always taking prompts for scenes you'd like to see written that weren't included - Jim/Pam scenes from someone else's POV, or any scene at all from any character's POV! You can find me on Tumblr at awkwardnessandbaseball :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	8. Season Five - Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my favorite seasons to write - so much fluff, but EMOTIONAL fluff!

Disagreeing is rare for Jim and his fiance (God he loves saying that). Sometimes they disagree on colors for the carpet, the wood to use for the cabinets, whose car to take to work. He usually defaults to Pam because she has better taste and because her car gets better mileage.

But he hates that copier. Maybe the fact that he's spent so much time standing at reception over the years has affected how little he cares about his chair, but nothing could change the way he feels about that copier. His co-workers look at him in disbelief when he and Pam take opposing sides.

In some weird way, this just cements their relationship for him. People see them as so perfect together, that they could never possibly disagree. And they rarely do, truly. But this is non-negotiable.

The copier has to go.

When Pam teases him - is she teasing? - about choosing the wrong side, he is both fascinated and scared. Pam is a force to be reckoned with when she's serious about something - that microwave never did get cleaned - and he knows she hates her chair. But Jim hates asking Pam for anything at work, and he can't stand that copier for one more day.

He deals with Michael's weird comments about their waitress - he laughs them off. He's thinking about the last time he went out to lunch with Michael to convince Michael not to tell the whole office about his crush on Pam.

Ah, how times have changed. Or not: he's still only out to lunch with the World's Weirdest Boss because he needs something from him. He'd feel bad, but his brain still hurts from that dinner party he was roped into.

When Oscar gives into Pam and they go for the chairs, he's both disappointed and relieved. He's a bit scared of what Pam would have done if the copier had won the battle for the surplus. So he decides to play her at her own game: he asks her for three - no, make it four - copies.

That'll show her.

Every Christmas Jim spends at Dunder Mifflin, he's reminded of the teapot. He's reminded of the yearbook photo, of Pam sitting in his bed at his old apartment. He's reminded of the card.

While the ring is no longer burning a hole in his pocket, the card is still sealed, waiting for the right moment to be delivered. Jim knows he could easily just hand Pam the card any Christmas, any anniversary, any holiday, and that would be that. But he can't help but think that there's a special occasion waiting for that card. Waiting for Pam to know how long Jim has felt exactly how he feels right now, and how lucky he knows he is to finally have Pam.

Moroccan Christmas is...unlike any other Christmas Jim has ever seen. Not just because of the party, but because of Meredith's intervention. And because, well…

"Angela's having sex with Dwight."

Jim thinks back to that same party, the one where Pam sat on his bed and peeked through his yearbook and he started imagining a future that becomes more realistic every day. He thinks back to when Pam first told him she thought something was going on with Dwight and Angela and how weird of a couple he thought they would be.

He thinks back to the day he saw them making out and decided not to tell anyone, not even Pam, because he owed Dwight one for stopping Roy from stomping his head in.

He thinks back to when he told Pam about Dwight and Angela - a moment he thought for sure would cause her jaw to hit the floor - and she already knew.

In a weird way, this whole thing with Dwight and Angela has been there every step of the way through his convoluted roller coaster ride with Pam. It seems only right that Angela would be engaged to one man, but in love with another.

He purposely erases from his mind the fact that Phyllis caught them doing...whatever Dwight and Angela do...in this very office.

It's Christmas, after all.

A month later, Pam isn't in a great place. Jim is worried about her constantly. Her parents are going through some stuff, and he's struggling to find the right balance between too involved and not involved enough. He really only cares about Pam's parents because they're Pam's parents. So he focuses most of his energy on Pam herself.

She's obviously upset, and Michael's weird stress relief techniques are having the opposite effect on her. Jim tries to cheer her up, to support her, anything, but her worry lines remain and her smile is in hiding.

She asks him to help, because apparently Jim is easy for Pam's dad to talk to, but Jim somehow makes things worse. He spends the whole day horrified at whatever he could have said to make Pam's dad take that final step in leaving Pam's mom.

What he wouldn't give to go back to that first time he'd seen Pam's mom, all those years ago, when all he was to her was a guy Pam talked about even though she was engaged to someone else.

Okay no, he doesn't want to go back that far, but at least then she and Pam didn't hate him.

He can't focus on anything, can't say the right thing to Pam. He stares at Pam more than usual, trying to get her to talk to him, look at him, something. But she doesn't budge, until the next thing he knows, she's outside talking to her dad. He meets her by the elevator, wanting to have a minute alone with her before she has to go back and face the office again.

It's his fault. And in those three seconds before she speaks again, he imagines a future without Pam in it. A future in which he somehow screwed up so badly that she can't forgive him. A future where she leaves him, leaves her job, and he never sees her again. He can't stomach that-

"Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room and about how you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that with my mom, even at their best."

_Oh._

And they're hugging, and Pam is okay. Because Jim said something wonderful and if it meant that Pam's parents weren't meant to be, then fine, because Jim and Pam are damn sure meant to be, and they've never been so sure of that until this moment.

* * *

 

Soulmates is not a word that Pam uses lightly. After spending far too much time with someone she thought was her soulmate - in a young, high school, first love kind of way - she doubted it was ever a word she would use again.

But Jim is different. Jim is everything and Jim is the only person she trusts with anything in her life. Even before they were dating, back when she was dumb and then he was taken, even then she trusted him more than anyone.

That's why she's both glad and very scared she's going to see Karen while she's on this trip with Michael.

Pam knows that Karen and Jim weren't soulmates. She strongly suspects that even if Pam weren't in the picture, their relationship wouldn't have been perfect. She doesn't dwell on it, since it was so far in the past, but times like now, when she's faced with the idea of staring Karen right in the eye, it crosses her mind.

She's scared because what if Karen thinks they were soulmates. What if Karen thinks that Pam is this horrible, mean woman who came along and stole Jim right out from under her?

Pam doesn't like that idea.

But then Karen is pregnant and Pam is so happy. She's happy because, thank God, Karen isn't sitting in her office in Utica, pining over Jim.

When they talk about Karen's husband, and their dorky relationship, and Jim and Pam's engagement, Pam is suddenly relieved and almost wishing Karen could come back to Scranton.

She thinks about the fun they had, before the whole beach day incident, before it came out that Jim had had a crush on Pam. She remembers teaming up with Karen to take down Angela. And she really misses Karen. She definitely understands why Jim dated her - she thinks about talking to him about coming up to Utica to visit sometime. Would it be weird? Maybe at first, but wow, Pam is so happy and Karen is so happy.

Pam wants to share that feeling, which is why she insists on going to Nashua.

It turns out to be a trainwreck, as most outings with Michael are. But Pam feels for him. She knows what it was like when Jim was dating Karen and she wouldn't wish that on anyone. She remembers Dwight discovering her crying in the hall and is glad that Michael has her to see him at his lowest, instead of Dwight and his...Dwight-ness.

She feels for him a little bit less when he steals the file, but she's also nosy, so she reads the letter herself.

Pam is not one to give false hope to someone. She accidentally gave false hope to Jim when she was engaged to Roy and still flirting with her now-fiance. She felt awful about it for a year.

So when she tells Michael how Holly feels, she does so because Michael deserves to have that small piece of _real_ hope to hold onto in his heart. Pam wonders if she'd have gotten through those months of Jim being with Karen if she'd known he still felt that way about her.

She doesn't have to wonder anymore, and hopefully one day Michael won't either.

* * *

 

Every Valentine's Day that goes by, Jim thinks about the year when Pam got nothing, and how she looked so excited every time a new delivery came, only to be disappointed. Jim never wants her to be that disappointed in her life, so he always gets her something. It's never big - especially now with a house to pay for and a wedding to plan - but he knows Pam doesn't want a giant teddy bear or 45 different flower arrangements, turning her desk into its own floral shop.

Jim mostly gets Pam flowers so that she always knows that he cares, and that no matter what situation they're in, she's special and wonderful, and she deserves the whole world, or whatever piece of it he can give to her.

Their lunch with the Vances starts out so nice - Jim and Pam don't have a whole lot of "couple" friends, so it's nice to go out and be a normal couple hanging out with another normal couple.

It's just a shame that Bob and Phyllis aren't normal and that they need to do things in a public bathroom and oh God Jim cannot think about this anymore-

Jim and Pam still don't disagree on much, even now, even living together and planning a wedding and everything else. Jim mostly just wants Pam to be happy, in every situation.

They do, however, disagree on dating advice.

Jim thinks back to his conversation with Michael about Holly. He thinks about how he told Michael to take it slow, be her friend first, and then go from there. He thinks about how Michael didn't listen.

He also thinks about how he was in for the long game - how he waited years to tell Pam how he felt, and how happy he is now.

There's a small part of his brain telling him he could have had all of this sooner, but could he have? He thinks about that Chili's kiss, about all the fights they had afterwards because he thinks that was the moment when everything changed. He thinks about his months with Karen, avoiding Pam like the plague because he still had feelings for her. If he'd talked to her then, would that have made a difference?

It doesn't matter. Jim did what Jim did and Jim thinks that works. So he tells Kevin to take it really slow with this new girl he's into. Pam disagrees.

It's the first time he really thinks about what actually could have happened if he'd kissed her sooner, if he'd broken up with Karen sooner, if he'd done anything at all sooner.

But truthfully, it doesn't matter. Because what he did brought him to where he is. With Pam next to him and his ring on her finger instead of some jackass who didn't have a clue how to treat her.

Doesn't matter. Never will.

For what might be the first time ever, Jim uses the word 'career' when talking about Dunder Mifflin.

He's scared of this new boss, Charles. He made a fool of himself from the get-go. His easy-going charm and hard work won over Jan Levinson ages before he asked for the Stamford transfer. Conversely, Ryan had hated Jim from long before he'd gotten the promotion.

Charles is a chance to start fresh, with someone who has no pre-existing opinions, and he's gone and worn a tuxedo and tried to make jokes about it.

Great.

And in his fear, he remembers the probation sentence from Ryan, remembers trying to imagine buying a house without his current salary. And for the first time, he realizes that Dunder Mifflin is his career. And he might lose it.

Things don't get better for him when his fiance leaves to join Michael's weird paper company project. As proud of Pam as he is - no more sales, wow. Ambitious. He loves that about her - he's also not looking any better in Charles's eyes at this point.

He hates not working with her. He knows that she's in the same building as him, that he'll get to see her at 5PM sharp and drive home - to their home - with her. But he still misses her. He especially misses her the more Charles hates him. And when Charles asks him for whatever a 'rundown' is, he really wants to just run down to that storage closet downstairs and ask her.

But she's on her own adventure. And just like when she was in New York, he won't take that from her. At least this time, she still comes home with him at the end of the day.

As always, Jim misses Pam the most when it's time to mess with someone. When Andy starts questioning Jim's relationship with the love of his life, Jim knows this can go one of two ways: he can tell Andy how he really feels, really give it to him, because who the hell is Andy Bernard to question Jim and Pam and their love for each other? Or, he can mess with Andy, tell him that he's right, and see how long he can string him along.

By the end of it, though, he does feel bad for Andy. He knows Andy has been hurt - badly - by Angela and the entire situation that transpired. He knows there are still hints of it everywhere - the honeymoons, the deposits he still hasn't gotten back, the fact that both Dwight and Angela still work in the same room. And Jim sympathizes with him, the way he sympathized with Dwight so long ago when Dwight was heartbroken over the very same woman (Jim doesn't have the energy to ponder what power Angela has over these men).

"Pam and I are very happy together," he tells Andy. And then he gives him a little pep talk. Because Andy is a good guy, and Andy deserves happiness, and Andy deserves to have what Jim and Pam have.

But if Andy ever questions Jim and Pam's relationship again, things will go down very differently.

When the opportunity comes up for Pam to come right on back to Dunder Mifflin, Jim will not screw it up, nor will he let anyone else.

He obviously knows that the Michael Scott Paper Company is in trouble, because Pam tells him literally everything. But David and Dwight and Charles don't need to know that Michael's tiny, weird, closet-based company is failing. Not if their ignorance of that fact brings Pam back to him.

It feels good to successfully get his wife back under the same fluorescent lights, instead of the ones on the bottom floor. It also feels good to stick it to Charles a little bit, since Charles has been honestly disrupting everything about the office, as far as Jim is concerned.

But mostly he gets Pam back. And she's in sales and he is so proud of her he could scream. Ever since that beach day, Pam hasn't stopped standing up for herself, and every day, he loves that just a little bit more.

He doesn't love it when Michael asks him to help him choose between Pam and Ryan.

First of all, Pam pays half the mortgage so...obviously, yes, he would like for her to be making salesperson money. But also Pam has the drive and the ambition, and she has Jim to teach her how it's done, dammit. And Pam deserves this chance. Ryan had his chance. By Jim's count, three times now? And he's failed every single time.

When Pam gets the job, Jim can't stop smiling. She goes to sit down at her desk - the desk that used to be his, the desk right next to him - and they high five. And it's such a simple, silly thing. But their high fives, their way of saying "great job, I'm so proud of you, look at what you accomplished, I love you," have always been from across that giant space between Jim's desk and reception. This high five is their first as neighbors. And Jim is just going to love getting used to that idea.

"You know what I wanna do today? I wanna marry you," he says to her. She's just come into the kitchen. She's disheveled and a mess and she still has her glasses on. She hasn't had her coffee, but that sure wakes her up.

He's taking a risk here. He remembers on the booze cruise, all those years ago, when Pam had the chance to marry Roy on a boat, married by a sea captain, and she said no. She'd wanted her family there, she'd said.

But he still says it. Because God he wants literally nothing on this planet more than he wants to be Pam's husband. He's wanted it from the moment he met her, from the day they sat down to lunch. And that want has only grown as their friendship, and then their relationship, has grown. He knows they have a real wedding being planned but he just doesn't want to wait anymore.

And she agrees. And he feels like the luckiest guy in the whole world. He can't wait to marry this woman he's been in love with for as long as he can remember.

So it's also strange when he doesn't feel disappointed when she changes her mind. They're having a blast at this crazy disco Michael has created, and Pam just looks so happy. And he knows it's not because she doesn't want to marry him - he's left behind those doubts, finally. Instead, it's because she wants to do the YMCA and for her dad to walk her down the aisle and for all their friends to dance just like this in a reception hall while she wears a white dress.

And Jim pictures that, their real wedding, and he wants it, too. Truthfully, he doesn't care how he marries Pam. He just wants to do it, wants to put those rings on their fingers and make it official for the rest of their lives. He'd have a wedding right on the surface of the sun if it meant he'd get to marry Pam Beesly.

So they wait.

When the company picnic comes around, there are about a million reasons that Jim doesn't want to be there. As he's mentioned at least half a million times over the years, he doesn't like to spend non-work time thinking about work things. And this is very non-work time and he's doing very work-related things.

Yes, it's supposed to be fun and games, but having Charles there breathing down his neck makes it feel much more serious than it is.

Pam is the one who seems to be having fun. Her competitive side has come out, and Jim...kind of likes it. He's always preferred this Pam who stands up for herself, and this goes right along with that side of her. God, he loves her.

When she twists her ankle, he really is worried. But he also knows - or he hopes? - that Pam wouldn't say she was fine if she were in pain. But the ribbing from Charles is enough, and he won't stand for anyone telling him that he's ever putting anything ahead of Pam. Pam's been his number one priority for longer than she's even been aware of it. So, fine, he picks her up - and yeah, okay, he's showing off a little bit - and carries her past all of those corporate jerks and back to the car.

Dwight spends ages rushing him, as if he has any control over how quickly the doctors and nurses at this hospital can move. As if he has any control over anything, at this point.

He gets called in for an update and her ankle is fine and he's listening to the doctor and then the entire world stops spinning.

She's what?

There have been a lot of imaginary scenarios that Jim has cooked up for his future with Pam. And they all involved marriage, kids, and sometimes a dog. They involved domestic bliss, just him and his perfect wife and their perfect family.

From the minute he asked Pam on that first date two years ago, he knew that they were it for each other. He had total confidence that this thing was going to go the distance. He'd had his moments of doubt, on certain occasions, or during times of trouble, but they'd come through every one of those moments together, stronger.

But during every single one of his imagined futures, all of these thoughts of bliss and happy endings, he'd never once imagined how he'd feel in the moment when he found out that Pam was pregnant.

He'd always thought about the "after". The lazy Sundays, home with the kids, or teaching them to play baseball or soccer or Pam teaching them how to paint.

But in this moment, in a hospital room, where they'd just been trying to make sure that Pam hadn't hurt her ankle...he'd never prepared himself for this very moment.

He doesn't want to stop touching her, stop hugging her. He wants this moment, this quiet, serene moment in a hospital room when the camera crew can't hear them and his co-workers are far away, distracted by volleyball, to last forever.

He steps out to call Dwight - because Pam tells him to. But then he is right back there with her, in minutes. He loves her so damn much and she is giving him this amazing thing - she is holding a little half-Jim, half-Pam baby inside of her. He gets to hold that baby in a few months. He's thinking about baseball and ballet and art and wall colors and he's hugging Pam and they're both crying because…holy crap.

They're having a baby.


	9. Season Six - Part One

Given the office's reactions to Jim and Pam dating and then Jim and Pam getting engaged, it's really no surprise that they don't want to tell anyone that Pam is pregnant.

When they eventually have to, in order to basically save Stanley's marriage, it is...just as horrifying as they'd imagined.

But then Jim gets to put that ultrasound picture over top of some old picture he's had on his desk for ages. And he gets to look at that ultrasound picture every single day until they get a new one, and then a newer one, and then a baby picture. There's a baby coming, and even this office and their meddling can't screw that up.

The baby is what prompts Jim to go to David Wallace with his idea about a promotion. Truth be told, Jim needs money. When it was just a wedding, that was okay. Buying the house definitely added to the financial stress, but it was worth it, and it remains worth it every single day. And he knows the baby is worth the financial stress, too.

But babies are expensive, and Jim is doing alright as a salesman and Pam is doing...less than that, though he'd never say it to her face. Jim loves Pam but she just isn't making sales.

He wants to put every single one of his dumb beans on her beautiful face, but he's trying to be fair and honest with himself, right?

Plus, wouldn't her getting a raise anger everyone else?

Jim is not having fun with this whole manager thing, at all.

The good news is that shortly after his promotion, he gets to leave. For his wedding, to the girl of his dreams.

The bad news is that it's not really leaving work if the whole office comes with you.

But, just like this new baby, this wedding will not be ruined by anyone at that office. But damn do they sure try.

Pam mentions mental pictures. And he thinks of all the mental pictures he's taken of her over the years.

Pam eating her mixed berry yogurt with some other guy's ring on her finger (yikes). Pam looking at him with all that pride on her face whenever he had a good idea. Pam folding up those doves for the office olympics. Pam kissing him at Chili's and then falling off of her stool. Pam's face when Jim dated Katie. Pam looking at Jim on that booze cruise all those years ago, like she wanted to say something, or wanted him to say something, but neither of them did. Pam looking at Jim after he kissed her, saying she'd wanted it, too. Pam's face when Jim returned from Stamford.

Pam's face when he asked her on a date and she had tears in her eyes. And when she got into that art program. And when he proposed. And when they say in that hospital room just a few weeks ago and found out the best news of their lives.

Jim has enough mental pictures of Pam to create a mental museum. The good and the bad, the past and the present. He's so ready to add more to his collection.

"For a really long time that's all I had, I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with but I think even then I knew that I was waiting for my wife." She's crying then, and he loves her so much and his heart is so full.

He screws up big time when he tells everyone that she's pregnant. But while he's upset that Pam is upset, he also just…can't be that upset. He's still marrying Pam tomorrow. He's still getting to do something that he wasn't sure was ever going to happen. He's having a baby with the woman he loves more than anything in this world.

So, when Pam calls him with a choked up voice, he goes running. He tries to make a joke about not seeing the bride before the wedding, but she's not having it. And so he goes running and he finds her.

And she is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

He'd always known she'd look beautiful on her wedding day. She looks beautiful every day to Jim, but there's an extra something about a wedding dress - about the fact that he's the one she's going to be walking towards. He's never been more in love with her than he is when he sees her in her dress.

But she's crying and she thinks she's a mess and he can't convince her otherwise.

So her veil tore, so what? Fine.

Snip.

Another mental picture for Pam, but Jim's already gone through a whole stack of mental film since he walked in this room. God, she looks so beautiful.

And when everyone is driving her crazy, he remembers his idea. He remembers that there was a reason they picked Niagara Falls.

So they run.

* * *

 

Pam is upset. Pam is not supposed to be upset on her wedding day. Pam is supposed to be pampered and waited on or something, isn't she?

Isn't today, this whole weekend, supposed to be about Pam? About Pam and Jim and their love and their baby and all of that?

God, Andy and his dancing and Mom and her projections and...Isabelle and Dwight?

No, she can't touch that right now.

Her veil is torn and she's exhausted and sad and so damn pregnant and she just wants to be married already. She's half wishing they'd just gone to Ohio all those months ago when they'd thought about it. Screw cheesy, Pam just wants Jim.

She calls him. She knows she shouldn't because, bad luck or whatever. But this whole weekend has been bad luck so what the hell.

"I'm allowing it," she tells him and he comes running. He must hear in her voice how badly she's feeling. Not that he wouldn't come to her if he didn't think it was serious, but how quickly he gets there...she knows he can tell she's in bad shape.

She knows she's being petty. But she just wanted this whole weekend to be perfect. She just wanted to marry her best friend and then go on a honeymoon and be alone with him and their growing baby. God, is that really so much to ask?

He cuts his tie in half to match her veil and oh wow she's so in love with this man.

Jim Halpert, how about that.

Pam looks at him with his half-tie and she takes a mental picture but then she takes a million more from her memory because there are so many things she wants to remember right now.

Jim telling her he loved her. Jim coming back from New York - withdrawing from consideration for a promotion just for her. Jim driving to some gas station in the middle of the highway because he couldn't stand not being engaged to her anymore.

Everyone is driving her crazy and she just wants Jim to save the day. Like he always does.

And sure enough, Jim comes through.

Pam never thought she'd want to get married without her parents there. She was so close to her mom - she still is, in some ways. She tries not to think about it, but when the board the boat, she's reminded of the booze cruise. Of Captain Jack offering to marry her to Roy right then and there.

She'd said no because she wanted her mom there.

But did she? She'd been ready to run off to Ohio a few months ago - before they even knew Pam was pregnant - because she didn't want to wait anymore. She was boarding a boat right now to get married by a stranger and in front of strangers. Maybe it was never about her mom or her family.

She thinks about Jim's speech last night.

"Even then I knew that I was waiting for my wife."

Well, young, stupid Pam had no idea what she was waiting for. But present-day Pam knows exactly what that Pam was waiting for. She was waiting for Jim, waiting for herself to be open to him. She was waiting for herself to wake up and realize that Roy was not right for her and that the right answer was right in front of her all along.

They get drenched by the waterfall, and a captain marries them. After all this time, a captain and a bunch of strangers, and soaking wet hair and a ruined veil. That's what Pam stores away in her memory for later. Because all of the stuff at the hotel and her dad's new girlfriend and Andy's...whatever...none of that stuff matters. What matters is that Jim and Pam found each other, and they're married, and none of those idiots back at the church can change that now.

In fact, she'd like to see them try.

* * *

 

Jim is the happiest, luckiest man in the world. His best friend is standing in front of him, in a beautiful white dress, with a veil torn and a baby in her belly. He's got half a tie and they're both soaking wet.

And they exchange rings and he doesn't care about anything else that has happened this entire weekend. Because he is married to Pam Beesly - Pam Halpert, he guesses he can start calling her - and they are unstoppable together.

When they get back to their official wedding - Plan B, Jim calls it - he doesn't care about anything that happens. He sees Pam in the back of that church, laughing while all their idiot family members and co-workers dance up and down the aisle. He's honestly extra appreciative that they're already married, because if this nonsense was holding them up, he'd be enjoying himself a lot less. But nothing matters now, because they're already married. So let the idiots dance.

And he looks at Pam, and she's smiling, and she touches her belly. And it's like they're talking to each other from across the church. Just like they've always been able to communicate without words, with just a look or a soft touch.

She's touching her belly, and she's looking at Jim, and her face is saying,

"It's just the three of us now, Halpert."

Because nothing else will ever matter as much as that.

It is actually remarkable how quickly things turn to garbage after Jim and Pam get back from their honeymoon. First, Jim is dodging phone calls about mob hits and other random nonsense while he's thousands of miles away. Then he gets back, and Michael is dating Pam's mom.

It never ends in Scranton, Jim will say that much.

When Pam gets like this - angry, passionate - it's nearly impossible to calm her down. Jim knows better. They just need to ride out the storm.

He both understands and doesn't understand. He understands that Pam is unendingly angry at Michael, that Michael crossed several lines. But Pam is...exceptionally angry at this.

There's a really small part of Jim that wants to make a joke about the time Pam saw Michael when he was changing, but he knows better, and he clamps his mouth shut.

"Say more nice things," Pam is saying, and they look out the window, and he's got Dwight washing the car. He reminds her of all of the nice things from Puerto Rico. And he just holds her and her head is on his shoulder and for just one single moment, their lives are normal.

It doesn't last.

Because Michael Scott is a small child and can't do a single thing correctly. He can't date right and he can't break up right. It's actually kind of amazing.

First of all, why are Michael and Helene even talking about Pam's job? That's the very definition of mixing business with-

Ew, nevermind.

But then they get to the restaurant and the next thing Jim knows, Michael is breaking up with Jim's wife's mother. Now that's a string of words Jim never thought he'd have to put together. Yet, here they are.

Jim is the tiniest bit jealous that Pam gets to hit Michael. Just a small, miniscule amount of jealousy is rearing its head. Which is why he won't stop her. He wants to hit Michael, too, sometimes. And Dwight. And Andy.

So he just hopes Pam gets all of their mutual frustration out in this one millisecond.

Truth be told, he does love Pam more when she's all fired up. Even if it's over something weird like this. He loves when she cares and gets passionate and angry.

She doesn't feel better after the smack to Michael's face. Jim does, a little, but Pam doesn't. And so they move on. And hopefully Michael learns his lesson about dating his employees' families…

It's interesting how married life changes nothing and everything at the same time.

No matter what happens at the office, all Jim has to do is look out of his window and see Pam's face, and everything is right with the world. No matter who turns against him on this crazy ride as co-manager, he always has his wife by his side.

He also just loves that he gets to call Pam his wife. A few years ago, she was on her way to marrying someone totally wrong for her, someone who didn't appreciate her or treat her right, and up until he himself married her, he had this little nagging feeling that said, "Well so what, she almost married some other guy, too."

But she didn't marry Roy. And she damn sure married Jim.

When he ends up returning to sales, to his old desk, he's not sad about it for a moment. The money is better, first of all. But he's also suddenly right next to Pam again. He'd never gotten to really enjoy that position before he was moved into his own office. But now, their desks were finally next to each other. After a rough call, he could reach over and grab her hand. If she was struggling, she could walk all of two steps and hug him.

He hears Michael say it, but it rings true for him as well as he dips Dwight's tie into his coffee mug:

"So good to be home."


	10. Season Six - Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this has taken me so long to get up!! I won't make excuses, but I'll try to be better for y'all.
> 
> Also, FLUFF!!!

Jim is not one to brag. In general, no matter what he accomplishes, particularly at work, he doesn't care to talk about it - except to annoy Dwight. But this baby is something he  _loves_  bragging about. He would talk about his beautiful wife and this child she is bringing into this world for the rest of his life if they'd let him.

And if they both make a few extra sales because of it, then so be it.

It's all fun and games, of course, until Pam goes completely insane. And by insane, he really means that she's totally calm and sane when she should be going crazy, like he is.

Jim is  _stressed out_  because Pam is clearly in labor but she keeps pushing off the hospital and oh my God this woman is going to drive him insane. Does she know the baby comes whether you get to the hospital or not? Like, is she trying to have her baby at Dunder Mifflin, or what?

Jim is frazzled.

And he sits in his car and he hopes to God that his beautiful, talented, kind, normally very intelligent wife will come to her senses. Instead, she comes out to tell him that she has not, in fact, come to her senses and that she is still not going to the hospital.

"She's not coming out for a while."

_Wait, what?_

They'd wanted it to be a surprise. They had purposely not found out because they didn't want to know, together. But suddenly Pam knows and now Jim knows and he can't stop thinking about it.

"How could I be mad? We're having a little girl."

And he's picturing Pam's hair and his eyes, but definitely Pam's smile. And her artistic talent but definitely his sense of humor. She'll be so smart and so perfect and she's going to be  _theirs_ , this little tiny baby that Pam's going to have today-

If they can ever just get to the damn hospital.

She finally breaks down in the break room. And Jim thinks back to all the moments of doubt that he's seen Pam have. And honestly, he's mad at himself for not seeing sooner what was going on. But it's too late now, her contractions are two minutes apart and he needs to get to the hospital and also to kill Michael for waiting so long so he's got a lot on his plate right now, okay?

But he slows down for a minute, takes Pam by the hand and he tells her what he's known forever. That she's great, that she's going to be fine. He wills her to believe in herself the way that he always has.

Finally, something clicks, and Pam is standing and they're in the elevator and they're on their way.

They're on their way to have a baby. A little baby girl.

There is a lot of yelling and near fainting and screaming and pushing in confusion and then…

"Pam, she's beautiful."

And then there is peace, and the world is spinning on its normal axis. Pam is fine, Cecelia is here and she's with them and oh God is she perfect. He knows it's so cheesy, but he never thought he'd love a girl more than Pam, and yet here he is.

* * *

Pam is in love. Oh man, she is so hooked. She has this little tiny baby in her arms. She  _made_  that. And this little baby is half her, and half the love of her life.

They just stare at her. For a long time, before Jim goes out to tell the rest of the office that she's okay, that  _Cecelia_  is okay. What a pretty name for a pretty girl.

Being a mom is going to be so awesome. She's got the best husband in the world by her side.

She imagines Cece learning to walk, Jim saying, "Come to Daddy!" and this little nugget taking her first few wobbly steps before falling right into Jim's open arms. She pictures Jim holding the back of a tricycle, and then a bicycle, long curls flowing out from underneath a helmet.

Pam imagines first Christmases and first New Year's and first birthdays and first summers and first trips to the beach.

She was so scared. Back at the office, she'd been worried that she wouldn't be able to do it. She was worried she wouldn't push hard enough, wouldn't get the baby out. That once the baby was out, the baby would hate her. That something, anything would go wrong in the baby's whole entire life.

But Pam sits in that hospital bed, Jim holding both her and the baby, and she is so glad she's there. She has the perfect life. This is it.

She definitely never deserved any of it, but God she is so damn lucky.

* * *

Jim knows without a doubt that he will never be as happy as he is in this moment. With the love of his life and this little thing that they've created who is half him and half her.

Of course, not everything about a new baby is sunshine and roses and little yawns and perfect mouths. If it were, everyone would be running around having babies all the time. The swaddling does not go well. The teamwork thing kind of falls apart and Jim is frustrated but nowhere near as frustrated as Pam.

Until the lactation consultant is  _some guy_  and  _some guy_  is touching his wife in places that Jim is supposed to be the only one to touch.

_Okay_. Jim is trying not to be jealous but...this guy...he's touching Jim's  _wife_ , hello!

He thinks back to the time he almost drove all the way to New York because Pam had drunk dialed him while she was out with her friends. He thinks about the fact that  _Roy_  was the one who influenced him to do it, about how he turned around and went home.

Okay, deep breath, Halpert. She walked down the aisle with you three months ago. You're fine.

He doesn't even want to leave her to pull the car around, which is why he forgets to do it in the first place. By the time he comes back, she's crying, and the baby is eating, and there he is again, with his perfect little family. And he stares at that baby and he wonders how he  _ever_  thought his life was anywhere close to complete before this moment.

When they get home and Dwight is in their half-destroyed kitchen, it's not even worth getting into. They just keep on moving. Dwight can ruin a lot of things, but he can't ruin this.

He damn sure does try once Jim gets back to work. Jim knows that it's dumb to think that Cece won't know who her dad is. Jim's still going to be home every night by 6PM at the latest, it's not like he's going away for days or weeks on end, or disappearing completely. It's not like Pam has a train of guys coming through the house who Cece will think are her dad.

And yet, when Pam sends him pictures of Cece doing all this one-week-old stuff that he's already missing out on, he lets Dwight get into his head just a tiny bit.

And then he is  _not_  home by 6PM sharp because Jo keeps them late and Dwight has gotten this tiny little nugget of despair inside Jim's brain and Jim just cannot shake it loose.

He can, however, steal Dwight's excuse for leaving early - or, leaving only two hours late instead of staying until midnight like everyone else.

And so he does. And he goes home to his perfect little family and he tells Cece over and over how much he loves her. And Pam just a little bit, too.

For Jim, Pam being gone is vaguely reminiscent of when they were in different states, using a tiny earpiece to communicate throughout the day. Luckily, no nanotechnology is required this time - the company is much more understanding about Jim wanting to talk to the mother of his newborn baby all day that they would have been about Jim wanting to talk to his girlfriend who left work for three months all day.

Still, it is kind of fun when he can include her on things going on at the office, even when she's not there, because it makes him feel like she is. And it shouldn't surprise him that she can solve half of Michael's clues in the time it takes him to solve one. She's so smart and so observant - no one in this office knows Michael better than Pam does.

And yet, not even Pam can foresee Date Mike, with his strange hat and weird obsession with cherry stems. Pam's first night out with the office after having Cece is...different. Well, really, it's not much different than most outings with these weird co-workers of theirs. Just a bit more exaggerated. Or maybe it's just been a while.

They both definitely could do without Kevin crying directly into Pam's chest, though.  _Sigh_.

But, it gets Pam out of the house, and it makes Pam happy. And that's all Jim wants. And, before Date Mike came out, they had actually been having a good time - Jim's kind of a sucker for couple/double-date things. He tells himself it's because it's nice to interact with other people who have similar life experiences, but no one in this office has similar life experiences to Jim and Pam. Really, Jim just likes anything that puts him and Pam on the same team, the same side of the table, anything.

He does love that woman.

He is crazy excited when Pam gets to come back to work. He knows she loved being home with their baby, but he's selfish enough to want her to be back at work with him. In an ideal world, they'd all three just be home all day and that would be it. But money needs to be made, and so here they are.

It's just an extra nice bonus when Pam randomly comes over and kisses him on the cheek out of nowhere. Man, he missed her.

It's also nice when Gabe sets them up nicely to go home and hang out with their kid for two entire days, with pay. Gabe's power trips are almost as bad as Dwight's, Jim thinks, and he could really use a prank or two to bring him down a notch. Good, a project for them to work on while they sit at home with their tiny, perfect little girl for two days.

Welcome back, indeed.

Jim is almost disappointed by the lack of excitement in his life as of late. Well, mostly he loves it: he's just a normal guy, married to the love of his life, with a perfect little baby at home. What more could he ever want? But at the same time, is he losing his touch?

He hasn't pranked Dwight in ages, and Dwight is just as annoying as ever.

So, he knows it's silly, but he and Pam decide to take a morse code class together. It becomes their date night - they get out of the house and leave Cece at home with a sitter or one of their parents, they go to a class and talk about their co-workers and their families and their days, and then they grab a bite to eat, maybe some ice cream. It's so dumb, and Jim knows it's dumb, but it's something for them to do together.

Getting Dwight to believe there's a bomb somewhere in the office is just a bonus.

Everything feels more  _right_  with the world after Dwight is messed with.

Everything does not feel as right with the world with a baby up all night. Jim is struggling, and he loves helping with Cece - he'd never want to be one of those dads who let his wife do all of the changing and feeding and burping and everything else. He loves his alone time with his beautiful, perfect angel of a baby girl, but he also loves his  _sleep_.

Gabe catches them both napping at their desks and then he almost falls asleep listening to Gabe talk. God, Gabe is almost as boring as Toby. And it's so warm in here, and this chair is so comfortable…

No.

Jim has  _got_  to get some sleep. So when Darryl offers some secret spot in the warehouse to him and Pam, they jump at it.

It's actually kind of nice. And under different circumstances, if it weren't at work, if there weren't warehouse workers and lifts and ladders and trucks all over, he might find it kind of romantic. He remembers his and Pam's first night away together, at Dwight's weird beet farm. How they actually somehow had fun, just because they were together. He could be anywhere, doing anything, and he'd still be happy just to be with her.

He's letting those thoughts take him away, falling asleep slowly when he hears Dwight's voice. At first, he thinks he's dreaming it, that he's back at Schrute Farms with Pam, listening to Harry Potter, sharing a tiny twin sized bed with a girl he was finally lucky enough to be dating-

And then hears Angela's voice and his eyes pop open.

No, he and Pam are not on Schrute Farms. They are here at Dunder Mifflin, and Dwight and Angela are…

Still? Again?

Jim can't keep track, and now it doesn't matter because he is traumatized for life.


End file.
